Those Guys

You know the ones I'm talking about. These are the ones that you can't stop thinking about. These are the ones that you feel you have a connection with, you enjoy spending time with them, and they make you feel all gitty and teen-like. These are the ones that you find out want nothing to do with you. These are the ones that don't think of you as you think of them. These are the ones that after all of that, you still find yourself thinking about from time to time.

We don't know why we do this to ourselves. Our entire psyche is telling us this is unhealthy, that we are causing ourselves more pain than what this person is worth. Yet, stubbornly we don't listen. We think it's fun to imagine how things could have gone if you were controlling the universe. We like to think how things in our perfect world would be.

This has happened to me many times in my life. While the type of guys has changed, the situations have not. You would have thought that I would have learned at one point or another that what I'm doing is wrong. Nope, I must have missed that lecture. In the past, I would have at least learned a little something about myself and what type of guy I was "crushing" on. I wouldn't necessarily change, but I would realize that maybe these aren't the healthiest types for me, the ones that don't fit my life and lifestyle. Maybe I did learn a little after all.

It's actually fun to look back at my tastes in guys and see the evolution from when I was a teen to an adult. To make this fun, I'll use my Hollywood crushes as examples: Devon Sawa/Jonathan Brandis' to the Elijah Woods/Mike Vitars to the Justin Timberlakes/Josh Harnetts to the Orlando Blooms to the Chris Kliens to the Jake Gyllenhaals to the Brandon Boyds to the Chris Evans' to the Joel Edgerton/Alex O'Loughlins (some of the later ones have yet to fade). Typical, I know. The pretty boys to the tall dark and handsoms to the musicians to the men. At least this is how I see it. I should see it, they're my types.

Most of that evolution comes with age. Being in my 30s (gasp! still think it's weird), I want to feel secure. I want to feel like I'm taken care of, but not suffocated. It's that traditional model with a modern twist. I always say that my perfect man is Mr. Darcy. One who challenges you and pushes you to look deep inside yourself to find out who you are, and the one who will love you for you and who doesn't want to change anything about you.

That seems to have been a problem for me recently. I thought I had found my Darcy. Now don't go all crazy like and think I said the one, because I so did not! Yeah, I may be around the new marrying age, but I'm not about to just jump into a dress and haul myself down the aisle. I'm still having way to much fun with my life to think about that. But yes, I do think I'm looking for someone to have a relationship with. I thought I found the guy I could have a relationship with. Then I thought I found someone who I had a lot in common with and would have a fun relationship with. Both of them went down in flames.

Rejection is an interesting word to use because I'm not sure one of them was rejection. I'm very sure the other one was, and it's whatever. That one would have been more fun than anything, and for me there was a crazy attraction (that has a root in a nerd element so we'll forget to mention that part) and knew it wouldn't be a long connection anyway. Not to say that I wouldn't try it or that it wouldn't be fun to try...I'm just okay with it burning in flames at the moment. The other one could of just been out of ignorance. Okay, okay...it probably was all my fault because I never said anything about how I felt.

I don't like to think of that, necessarily, as all my fault. I'm not your typical modern girl (my phrasing early was perfect, by the way). While I am very independent and am secure in my ideas and thoughts, I also believe that it doesn't always have to be the girl to make the first move. Why is it wrong to think that if a guy is interested he should approach the girl in question? That traditional element, and some more, of 'old school' courting is something that I think is missing in our generation. It also has to do with the fact that that tactic hasn't worked for me so I'm boycotting it for a while. If you're interested in me, you can approach me instead of me approaching someone who isn't interested in me. It makes sense to me.

Either way, there is a person I can't get out of my head. The thing that is so frustrating is that he was gone for a good while. I experienced something that knocked me down, so I separated myself from the situation. I did good. Yea me! Not so fast strong self, one little dose and I find myself right back where I was. Maybe I'm a little bit better now, at least now I know it's unhealthy for me.

What I really need to do is focus on something else. Put those emotions into something else. That is something a writer would say, isn't it? Having crushes on other guys has helped in the past. Almost helped. The last one was the one that I didn't expect to ever see again and ended up realizing we have stuff in common then resulted in rejection.

I think this time I'll just focus on my Hollywood crushes. It's more fun and the element of rejection isn't there. Unless I actually meet them, which in my career isn't all that impossible. All we can do then is hope things end up differently than before. Now that is what I call fun!

Welcome back....

The summer has officially ended for me. I'm back at work.

I didn't do much this summer, or at least it feels like it, but I did. I guess I'm referring to the list of household "To Dos" that I never finished. You always have those things of Spring Cleaning or Summer Projects that get pushed aside. I did do a few things on those lists, but with our super crazy hot summer, I just got lazy.

I spent many a days lying on the couch watching Netflix Instant. Amazing. It was fun just watching random movies. I cleared a lot of my Q, but then repopulated the list with television shows. I don't know if I'll ever get it down to a manageable number.

I did do some really awesome things this summer, too. Those days were mainly spent filming segments for "Viva Latino!" We have been on the air since July, and still doing strong. We're starting to get some buzz around town, which can only mean good things in the future.

It's been a really good summer in that sense. Our crew, at this point, have a sibling like relationship. Filming days may be long, but it's fun. It's nice to have such an awesome crew, and it's really nice that we all get along. It sucks that we can't film as much as we'd like, but our crew is still stationed in Beaumont for the time being. I think we all long for the day we are all based here....with a studio. Some day.

I also spent some awesome days with my bffs. Many a days just lounging by the pool. I actually have a tan, I have color! Then, one day of playing volleyball changes all that to me having tans lines. Ugh. That's okay, though. While I may be working again, our weather still is in summer mode. I have a few more pool days in my future.

I also got to travel. I went to Virginia to visit family. That may not be most people's idea of a summer vacation, but it's mine. I love spending time with family, especially those that live in other places. Besides, the whole act of traveling, plane trips and packing a suitcase, make it a vacation. I had an awesome time with my family. While I didn't get to see all that are in Virginia this time around, the ones that I did see was time I cherish. And plus, I got to go to my favorite clothing store, I was happy. Hey now, I'm still a girl and I do like to shop.

I didn't read as many books as I would have liked, or wrote as much as I had planned. I definitely didn't keep this up as I had planned many months ago. But, I do hope that with this new school year I will be more proactive on what I want to accomplish and create.

That new motivation will come from a few new places. For writing, I want to create. I want to get back to my roots and jump back into my characters and create this new world for someone. It's about writing down or perfecting this image I have in my head. It also helps that with my networking that is coming from Viva, I want to make sure my blog is up to date and presentable. I am a writer, and promoting myself as a writer, I need to write.
Another new motivation is coming from a side business. I have been making jewelry for a while now, and am expanding my talents every day. I've gotten compliments on some of the pieces I've made, for me or others, and think I have enough interest to sell. I'll start off small and reasonable, and make them one of a kind pieces for a particular person. We'll see what happens.

It's interesting, still, that I view my years as having two new beginnings. I have the obvious new beginning in the new year, but I also see the start of school as a new beginning. Between going to school and college, and now working for the district, our years start at the end of the summer. I have two times a year that I can recharge my batteries. I have two times a year I can refocus on what's important in my life. It's nice to have this. Now, if only I'll stick with it and not be hypnotized by the television and what all is offered....

Things they are a moving...

I know, it's been a while. Things have been busy, but mainly I've just been lazy. I don't know what it is as of late, but I've been super lazy in my personal life. Although, when I have the days of doing nothing, I feel bad and anxious, as if I'm supposed to be doing something. Of course, it turns out I should have been putting the finishing touches on Father's Day and nephew's birthday presents.

Moving on...
Things in my world seem to finally have settled. The past 5 months have been a roller coaster, one scary stressful ride. Luckily, things have worked itself out and things are good. They never will be perfect or fixed, but they are fine and that makes me happy. Since that aspect of my life has evened out, I feel balanced and content.

Of course, this also might have to do with the fact that I'm working on a television show.
I know, right, super exciting. It's something that has been in development for a while now but is now really starting to get going, production meetings and everything! It's going to be a great show that highlights the Latin community in Austin, and Austin in general. A lifestyle show about what makes us, us. It's great to be working with a crazy talented group, and personally exciting to show my stuff. It's also nice to be working in the industry again.

It's kinda weird to think that in a few short days I'll be on a set (so to speak) filming segments for our show. It's so great to know you're apart of something from the very beginning, and have a say and can help with what happens with the show. It's a big step for me, career wise, and I think that's why I'm so stoked about it. I know I will rock this position. The possibilities, and future possibilities, are endless.

So, here's my plug...!!!

Viva Latino!
CW Austin, channel 12 (knva for those non-cablers)
Sundays
First episode July 3, 2011

Ramble

I know, I know. But, things have been super busy lately. I know it's not an excuse, or a lame one at least. If it makes you feel any better, I have finished my script. Yay, go me. Work has been sorta busy, and at home I've been trying to get things together with all the new additions.

Eh, that's besides the point. I'm back, and writing and whatnot.
Man, AS, that is my new phrase because of you.

I am in a good place right now. I'm scared to say so, though. (dammit.)
I'm feeling good. Things have balanced out and seem to be doing okay. My family health issue is stable. I miss him, man do I miss him, but I know that this is the best thing. I still talk to him all the time, making sure to stay just as connected as we were when he was here. Career seems to be actually going. Little by little, but I have the road ahead of me know, and I'm on it. I'm doing things that I've wanted to do, and know that other things are just around the corner. I'm feeling better about myself. I started kickboxing, and there is such confidence and power that comes from hitting a 300 lb or so bag.

Balanced. Maybe that's how I should approach it. I know that the tables can turn any moment now, that while good, they aren't necessarily stable. It's happened in the past. I've talked about it before. I've declared my war on life, taking back what's mine, then getting pelleted from life. I've learned my lesson. What I need to do is take things one day at a time. Do what I want to do, what I feel I need to do, one item at a time. As they say, life is what happens when you make other plans.

I don't want to sound like I've had some big revelation or anything, but the roller coaster I've been on lately has made me realize that you can never be sure things will stay constant. I don't necessarily have my guard up, but I'm protecting myself. That's all I can do, really.

As they also say, take the bad with the good. Realize that bad stuff is going to happen, but you have to let it go and let in the positive. I think this is a good way to start my summer. My crazy exciting summer.

The Rapture

Apparently tomorrow is Judgement Day, May 21 2011. This is the day, that according to the Bible, that Jesus will come back down to earth to bring his true followers to Heaven and leave the rest to torture before the end of the world 5 months later.

I'm a little freaked out.
I mean, I grew up Catholic (and still identify with some of the religion) and that fear (sadly) was part of it. (So was guilt, and we definitely won't talk about that.) There has always been a high level of mysticism placed around Jesus, as well as the second coming. But it's hard for me to believe that Jesus would be that vindictive.

Of course, I'm not a fundamentalist and not one who takes the Bible word for word, so obviously I see things in a different light.
Even so, part of me wonders what will really happen tomorrow.

Maybe this is selfish to think, but some things in my life are finally starting to work out, and it's hard for me to believe that I'm going to have those snatched away from me as soon as they are presented to me.
On the other hand, I can think of a way for the next 5 months to be torturous for me based on other areas of my life.

As I'm assuming you're noticing, I'm assuming I'll be one of the dammed. Not that I think that I've lived a sinful life, because I haven't...at all. However, I've also not lived my life according to the way you're suppose to if you follow the Bible and religion to a tee.
What way is right, though? Who is to say that I'm living closer to the way of the Lord than those to take it literally. I don't want to get into a heated religious debate, but there are questions.

Anyways, so tomorrow is when the Saved are going to be brought up to Heaven while the rest are left on Earth to suffer. Okay. What's that going to look like? I guess no ones knows, just that it's going to happen. But what's going to happen to those who believe this so much when it doesn't happen to them? That's what I'm beginning to fear more.

I don't think if I survive the day tomorrow that I'm going to Hell. (Of course, if my friends and family and I do survive, I guess that means we'll all be in Hell together.) I don't think the world is going to end any time soon, not now or Oct 21 or Dec 2012.
But what are those people going to do who did think so? Are they going to change their belief? Are they going to change their expectations for the actual day? Was there a delay at the TSA line? (sorry, probably a bad joke) I guess the only thing we can do is wait. Wait and see what really is going to happen tomorrow.

Uh...

I had a great topic to talk about today, one that I thought would be thought provoking and would be something worth writing. Of course, I can't remember what it was. Oh, yes, yes I do. I'm not going to change the title, or this beginning. It's interesting that we can plow through our brain, retrace our thoughts to try to remember something, and then it pops in your mind out of no where.

What I wanted to talk about was sports. Okay, so maybe it won't be as thought provoking as I mentioned, but it'll make you think nonetheless.

I'm a supporter of sports teams. I'm a huge UT football fan. I bleed orange, fa sho! I also support the Vancouver Canucks. I love watching the Olympics, and even watched the World Cup last year. I've seen my share of basketball and volleyball games, and have even been to a few baseball games. I even sort of pay attention to rankings and what's going on in each sport.

I'm not a huge fan of various teams, though. I'll watch the sport and enjoy it, but the only teams I actively support are the Horns and Canucks. This made me think; what's the point.

Unless you are betting on the games, or are players on said teams, as a fan it really doesn't matter if they win or lose.

Sure, you can have your fantasy leagues or bragging rights, but as far as your every day life it doesn't matter. Having your favorite team win won't determine whether you get the promotion or not, or whether your best friend is going to have dinner with you that night. (Yes, you can debate they will or not depending on if a game is showing, but that's besides the point.) So, if the majority of the population won't be directly affected, why are we such a sports obsessed culture?

I have no idea other than it makes us happy. It's fun to watch games, especially if you like to play sports yourself. The people who like to watch sports are usually active anyway, so it's just an extension of who they are. It's just an interest people have. There really isn't a right or a wrong answer, this is more rhetorical anyway. (Obviously...)

What made me think about this was the fact that I'm totally involved in the Stanley Cup finals. A huge reason of this is because the Canucks are in the playoffs. (Only one more round! Come on Canucks!!) This really doesn't effect me because I'm in Texas, far away from the cool breeze of the Pacific Northwest. No one, other than my mom, is watching the games with me. Half the time I find out the final score either through my app (totally have a Canucks app) or the paper. I mean, I have watched my share of games, but you know.

Anyways, me being a Canucks fan isn't going to help me finish my script or make me have new friends. Well, I take that back. I might meet some new people because of my interesting love of the Canucks. That would be awesome, wouldn't it? Besides the point...

It's just something that I enjoy doing. Watching hockey games are fun, and it's not just because there are some major hits in this sport. It's watching skilled people executing their talent for the masses.

This could of been just a total waste of time. Of course people are going to be into sports even if they are effected by the outcome or not. It's just an interest. Duh.

Absent

I really failed on the twice a day thing, didn't I? Well, if it makes you feel any better, I've been writing more.

I'm actually well into my second act, and pretty happy with it so far. It does help that I had a scene breakdown and used that as my outline. I'm about half way done, maybe less, and think if I can get a few solid hours of pure writing down I'll be done soon. A little over my May 1st deadline, but you know.

One of the best things at the moment is that I can divide into this script, these characters, and forget about my crazy life. It's nice to have an outlet. This is also why I'm such a media person. I like to escape sometimes, forget my problems and enjoy myself for a few hours. Don't get me wrong, I also love beautiful art, but it's nice to check your head at the door.

The other outlet I've acquired lately is kickboxing. I've been going to a shadow kickboxing class for several months, but am about to start my third week of classes with bags. Man, there is nothing like an emotional release/clearing of the mind than punching and kicking a 200 lb boxing bag. It's brilliant. I totally in love.

It does take a lot of energy and I'm worn out by the end of the hour, but I feel great. I feel energized, clear, stronger, more confident. I still need to work on some of my kicks, since I'm focusing more on form than power at the moment, but I feel I've got a killer hook. Now only if I could get a bag for my garage and be the typical movie cop. I'm the only one to find that funny, right?

I better get started on my script. The longer I wait, the more procrastination elements I find. That's one reason why I love Demetri Martin's "Circle of Procrastination." So true. I guess I could lock myself out of the internet service...but then there's always Solitaire on the computer. I did figure out my key to total focus. Music through headphones. Now, if only I can decide what album to listen to first...