You know the ones I'm talking about. These are the ones that you can't stop thinking about. These are the ones that you feel you have a connection with, you enjoy spending time with them, and they make you feel all gitty and teen-like. These are the ones that you find out want nothing to do with you. These are the ones that don't think of you as you think of them. These are the ones that after all of that, you still find yourself thinking about from time to time.
We don't know why we do this to ourselves. Our entire psyche is telling us this is unhealthy, that we are causing ourselves more pain than what this person is worth. Yet, stubbornly we don't listen. We think it's fun to imagine how things could have gone if you were controlling the universe. We like to think how things in our perfect world would be.
This has happened to me many times in my life. While the type of guys has changed, the situations have not. You would have thought that I would have learned at one point or another that what I'm doing is wrong. Nope, I must have missed that lecture. In the past, I would have at least learned a little something about myself and what type of guy I was "crushing" on. I wouldn't necessarily change, but I would realize that maybe these aren't the healthiest types for me, the ones that don't fit my life and lifestyle. Maybe I did learn a little after all.
It's actually fun to look back at my tastes in guys and see the evolution from when I was a teen to an adult. To make this fun, I'll use my Hollywood crushes as examples: Devon Sawa/Jonathan Brandis' to the Elijah Woods/Mike Vitars to the Justin Timberlakes/Josh Harnetts to the Orlando Blooms to the Chris Kliens to the Jake Gyllenhaals to the Brandon Boyds to the Chris Evans' to the Joel Edgerton/Alex O'Loughlins (some of the later ones have yet to fade). Typical, I know. The pretty boys to the tall dark and handsoms to the musicians to the men. At least this is how I see it. I should see it, they're my types.
Most of that evolution comes with age. Being in my 30s (gasp! still think it's weird), I want to feel secure. I want to feel like I'm taken care of, but not suffocated. It's that traditional model with a modern twist. I always say that my perfect man is Mr. Darcy. One who challenges you and pushes you to look deep inside yourself to find out who you are, and the one who will love you for you and who doesn't want to change anything about you.
That seems to have been a problem for me recently. I thought I had found my Darcy. Now don't go all crazy like and think I said the one, because I so did not! Yeah, I may be around the new marrying age, but I'm not about to just jump into a dress and haul myself down the aisle. I'm still having way to much fun with my life to think about that. But yes, I do think I'm looking for someone to have a relationship with. I thought I found the guy I could have a relationship with. Then I thought I found someone who I had a lot in common with and would have a fun relationship with. Both of them went down in flames.
Rejection is an interesting word to use because I'm not sure one of them was rejection. I'm very sure the other one was, and it's whatever. That one would have been more fun than anything, and for me there was a crazy attraction (that has a root in a nerd element so we'll forget to mention that part) and knew it wouldn't be a long connection anyway. Not to say that I wouldn't try it or that it wouldn't be fun to try...I'm just okay with it burning in flames at the moment. The other one could of just been out of ignorance. Okay, okay...it probably was all my fault because I never said anything about how I felt.
I don't like to think of that, necessarily, as all my fault. I'm not your typical modern girl (my phrasing early was perfect, by the way). While I am very independent and am secure in my ideas and thoughts, I also believe that it doesn't always have to be the girl to make the first move. Why is it wrong to think that if a guy is interested he should approach the girl in question? That traditional element, and some more, of 'old school' courting is something that I think is missing in our generation. It also has to do with the fact that that tactic hasn't worked for me so I'm boycotting it for a while. If you're interested in me, you can approach me instead of me approaching someone who isn't interested in me. It makes sense to me.
Either way, there is a person I can't get out of my head. The thing that is so frustrating is that he was gone for a good while. I experienced something that knocked me down, so I separated myself from the situation. I did good. Yea me! Not so fast strong self, one little dose and I find myself right back where I was. Maybe I'm a little bit better now, at least now I know it's unhealthy for me.
What I really need to do is focus on something else. Put those emotions into something else. That is something a writer would say, isn't it? Having crushes on other guys has helped in the past. Almost helped. The last one was the one that I didn't expect to ever see again and ended up realizing we have stuff in common then resulted in rejection.
I think this time I'll just focus on my Hollywood crushes. It's more fun and the element of rejection isn't there. Unless I actually meet them, which in my career isn't all that impossible. All we can do then is hope things end up differently than before. Now that is what I call fun!