I don't know what's wrong with me.

I don't know how many times I've talked about keeping up with this blog, especially since I'm actually a contributing writer to different things, yet I don't ever do it. I can't keep making excuses for myself. This time around, I was just lazy. I would of much rather listened to my podcasts and crochetted the Christmas presents for people. I'm promise it will happen less. (uh...)

As it gets closer to Christmas, I'm starting to concentrate on not getting stressed. This year I will be visiting my father and step-mom for the holidays. I'm looking forward to seeing and spending time with my dad. We've gotten closer in the last few years, and I do enjoy our time together.
It's not going to be as stress-free as it has been in times past, due to situations, but I'm focusing on the positive in hopes that positive energy wreaks havoc on the wicked.

It's always interesting spending Christmas with my father because he's not a big Christmas celebrator, never has been. I, on the other hand, love the holiday. I love decorating and spending time with those you love, buying personal gifts for people (I take gift giving very seriously). It's my family holiday. I don't even know if the house will be decorated. Not that I'm complaining, cause I would never. I am very happy and looking forward to seeing my dad, I'm just stating the fact that it's going to be different.

One other thing that I'm looking forward to and focusing on is New Years Eve. I will be away from friends, which is always a blow out, and will be with family. New Years Eve is one of my favorite friend holidays (along with Halloween). (I'm the nerd that dresses up in awesome things...that no one gets.) So, yes, selfishly I'm going to miss the drunken crazy of that night downtown. However, and a BIG HOWEVER, I not only will be with my father, who's birthday it will be, but I will be with not one, but both of my siblings. The first time in like 23 years. I'm serious, 23 years. Maybe ever, but that is a little unlikely. (not by much)

Oh, my siblings. I'm super bffs with my sister, so any time with her is awesome. I'm close to my brother, still looking up to the big bro. When you get the three of us together, which is a rarity, there is no telling what can happen. We've all gotten closer in the last few years, so I'm really excited to just be with them. I can't wait to have that conversation, "What do you mean you don't like Community?" The three nerds together again. Yes, there will be alcohol involved. The best thing about that, my brother will become a comedian himself! OMG, NYE is going to rock.

I may seem to be focusing a little too much on NYE, but I'm focusing on the positive than the negative of what could happen. This holiday season is something that we are all grateful for, one that we won't didn't necessarily know was going to happen, and may not ever again. It's not the easiest situation to go into, but there are enough things that will occur during these two weeks of the holidays to make these the best two weeks of the year.

My family is incredible important to me, and knowing that I will be ending 2011 with all of them means a lot to me. One memory that I know I will cherish for the rest of my life.

Run Away, Run Away...

In my head I picture the Monty Python crew running away from the 'French' castle while barnyard animals are being pelted at them. If only my issue was that funny.

I've realized in recent weeks that when the tough gets going, it takes all of my strength to not run and hide. I attribute this to my youth when I would get the belt for doing something bad. I don't want to imply that I was beat by any means, or that I have a fear of my parents in anyway (they are awesome, actually), but I never liked getting in trouble.

This isn't to say that I'm constantly getting in trouble in my adulthood, I've been quite good thank you. I've grown a lot since I was a child and have gainned strength I never knew I had. Yet, I still want to hide when things go down hill in my life. Like right now, I don't want to face reality.

Maybe that's what it is all about. I don't want to face the possible turn my life could be taking. I know that it's not anything new in the world, and many people, people I hold dear, have had to deal with in their lives, but I don't want it to be a part of mine.
Does that make me selfish? Probabaly, but that doesn't mean it's not any less hard.

This issue isn't something that's new to me, either. It's something that has been in the back of our minds for just about 10 years. The big difference now is that there might not be any more treatment options. That is the scariest thing and my worst fear. It's really hard not to shut down and question whether it's all worth it.

When issues like this happen to you, you find yourself questioning everything. What's the point in doing this if this person won't see it? Why do this if it isn't going to be anything more than an experience. It's hard not to fall into a huge depression pit. I let myself feel this way, I think it's healthy, for a few days. Usually I start to pick myself back up and move on. This time around, it's taking even more strength than usual.

I'm not really accomplishing my goal of movement, to be honest. I'm forcing myself to do things daily. I know it's not healthy, but until I know what my future path will be, I'm in limbo myself. That's what's the worst thing about this situation at the moment, we don't even know if there is or isn't any opions available to us.

I know that I will only run away so far. I can't completely check out. For one, I need to be there for him. I really believe that he gains strength from me, and I can't let him down, not now. I also know that if I let go of the rope while being in the pit, I could be done for. I don't know if I'm ready to give up. So, I continue on this battle and hopefully come out on top, not matter how appealing the hidden cubby-hole looks.

Back to Normal

I never thought I would be a schedule type of person, but there is something to say about having a daily routine.

October was a busy buys month for me.
First off, my dear friends got married. It was a beautiful wedding. It was at a vineyard just north of Austin, and we ended up staying in a hotel.

Yep, we after after partied there. Not too long, since we have a long night at the wedding. Before we went to the wedding we got some drinks, however they didn't have a liquor store close by, so we had to get malt beverages at the gas station. It was pretty hilarious.

As for the wedding itself, it was full of dancing, tears, smiles; a great time with great friends. That's one of the good things about going to a wedding of your close friends, when everyone you know will be there. My whole group of bffs, The IC, was there (half involved) so the night was one of the best nights we have all been together. At the end of the night, we even got the most amazing picture we have ever taken! I love this picture.

After the wedding, 4 days after the wedding, was the Austin Film Festival. I love this festival. It is always full of amazing movies and great panels. This year I got to see The Artist, The Rum Diary, Coriolanus. The panels I went to were Showrunners; Zombies, Apes, and Vampires; and Producing Outside the Norm. A week full of crazy. My highlight, meeting Martin Starr. He's so cool. (and Johnny Depp is awesomely rad!) To read more of my thoughts, go to www.austinfusionmagazine.com and see my November article.

Halloween. I love Halloween. It's one of my favorite holidays, my favorite friend holiday for sure. This year I went as Lucy and my bff went as Ricky. We looked amazing.
We spent the Saturday of Halloween at house parties, which was a nice change from the crazy of downtown. (And I didn't get super upset at the stupid sexy bag costumes.) I don't want to say it has anything to do with my age, cause I still like to party downtown, but I like the idea of house parties for events. We need to have more of those.

A few of us also went to a haunted house. I'm not the scary easily type of person, so it became very clear to me that I don't ever have to go to one of these. Sure, the anticipation of something jumping out at you was scarier than the things that actually jumped out at you. I also think that if you go in a large group, you're screwed. You hear the people ahead of you scream, so you know something is coming your way and you brace yourself. If it was with a smaller group, just you and the friends that came with you, it would be so much better. However, this would mean they would take FOREVER and you'd be waiting in line longer than the tour of the house itself. You really want to scare me, take me to a real haunted house and lets just hang out. No bueno.

November is now upon us. I wish it was colder outside, but it's a calmer month for me. I do have things coming up, but most of it is 'work at home' stuff so I can handle that with ease (and at work when we're slow) instead of running around town. This also starts the Xmas shopping time. I love shopping for my family, so this is never a chore. I have most of my ideas done, so that's good, and the others will come when they come.
I also have a wedding of a great friend of mine coming up. I can't wait to attend, but it's a simple wedding, and I already have my outfit, and there really aren't wedding gifts to get. It's just going to be a day together. Awesome.
I'm also working on articles for both Austin Fusion Magazine and Viva Latino (as well as attend the Wizard World Con), so I have a lot of 'work' coming up.

Okay, so it seems that November will be a full month too. Bring it on!

Favorite Albums

There are a few albums that I can listen to over and over again, just like movies.
Okay, so that's not exactly true. There are several that I can listen to over and over again (and tons of movies I can watch on repeat without getting annoyed or bored. Right now it's "How To Train Your Dragon.").

I am currently listening to one of them. It's an album that my sister made me for my 28th birthday. It is one of 4 cds, inside joke cds you could call them. They revolve around a certain book we used to swoon over (before realizing how awful they really were). One revolves around how heartbroken someone is, one is about how he's dealing with his decision to break up, one is all about being in love with your best friend, and one is just a bunch of random 90s rap songs. F-ing awesome.

I'm listening to the bff cd. Some of the songs are Interpol, TV on the Radio, Death Cab for Cutie, Cold War Kids, The Magnetic Fields, and Guided by Voices. They really are amazing songs. Sure, there has been a few times when I've listened to the album with other intentions, but most of the time it's just a good listen. I mean, the Pixies are on this mix.

The point is, there are those albums, those bands even, that you love so much that you just connect with and dance in your seat. The songs that when you listen to them you are transported to another time when you heard the song or the lyrics remind you of a place. It's all about the power of music.

That's why music is such an important player, in my opinion, in a movie. If it done well, you don't even notice, but if it's done bad you can't pay attention to anything but. Then there's the ones that don't use any music at all and can still evoke emotion.

Granted, there is the other side of the coin with the songs that just are bad. They don't have a good beat, their lyrics are lame, and you just can't wait to turn it off.
Then again, if they are still making music, some one have to like them, right? Maybe they don't like the music I listen to and can't wait to turn off Band of Horses. Music is objective after all.

No matter what way you look at it, music is one of those creative means that makes many people smile. I love it, and I love listening to "She Will Be...The Death of Me!"

The Flood Gates Have Opened

It seemed to come out of nowhere, really, but I have not been able to stop coming up and participating in creative ventures.

If it's designing jewelry, composing mixed cds, crocheting various projects, making a wedding card box, or working on my scripts. Out of the elements named, I'm only NOT doing one. And even then I'm still trying to find my Sparkly.

My Sparkly. Do you remember the movie "Secret of NIMH"? I LOVE this movie. It's one of my childhood favorites, one that was missed by the masses but should not have been. One that I have also shared with my niece (even though I don't think she loved/loves it as much as I did/do). I am putting together my outfit for my dear, dear friend's wedding in a few weeks. I am planning on wearing red shoes and want the amulet from that movie, or something similar, to wear with my planned jewelry. Charcoal colored dress, red shoes, cultured pearls with a red amulet. It's going to be awesome. Classic with a hint of wild. Anyways, I've been looking for a red pendant that could pass as the amulet to attach to the strand of pearls I already bought. So far, sadly, not too much luck. But, I have a few more places to check out. I don't know what I'll do if can't find out. Na, I'll probably make it.

Okay, so my little cousin is turning 1. In order to save the surprise in case his parents read this, I'll just leave it at that, I'm composing cds for his bday. Yep, cds, plural, as in two. =)

Crocheting, also for gifts. One dealing with the cousin above, which if I can make the plans in my head come to life, it's going to be awesome! I also made a stuffed bear for a friend's kid's first bday. (Lots of baby's turning one!) I also have future projects that I'm starting to plan and am itching to do. Have to finish the little one's first!

My dear, dear friends asked me (or the bride technically did) to make a box to hold all the wedding cards at the wedding. You know, one place to put the cards instead of on other presents and risk losing them. Anyways, I have almost everything I need, and just need to make a pattern and follow through with everything. Again, this is one that the plan is in my head and I'm hoping beyond hope it's as easy as I see it. I told some other IC members about it, and they were a little shocked at how much is involved. Although, they weren't surprised. If you ask me to make something for you, I don't hold back. Especially for people who are so near and dear. I definitely make things with love.

Finally, my script. I've started another one. Yes, I know I need to do a second draft of the summer one, but I couldn't stop thinking about this one. (So what if I'm casting in my head before it's even written.) I sort of jumped right into it without writing a treatment. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing. My mind is full of ideas and scenes and the direction of the story, so writing, when I get to it, flows pretty easy. It's fun to be writing like that again. I really do like creating a world for these characters and see what happens. It's like you have this shell of people, fill them with a juicy center, then drop them into the Colosseum and see what happens.

It's fun to be overflowing with creative energy. It truly does make me happy.

Idris Elba Day!

That's what I'm officially declaring today. Why, you ask, because Luther is back! Season 2 airs on BBC America tonight and I can't wait. I'm evening having a dinner party to watch it with other fans...Okay so it's me and my in-laws but whatever.

The first season was amazing. My sis-in-law turned me on to it, and I watched all 6 episodes pretty much back to back on Netflix. That's a lot to get through. In the sense that it's not the easiest show to watch because of the dark subject matter and emotional roller coaster you end up going on. But I think it's also the best way to watch the show. You are so involved with the characters that you want to know immediately what happens to them. The only problem, when you're done you're at a loss for the show. I'm also excited to watch it as a serial and watch it week to week. Real time viewing (minus the fact that it already aired in England).

I won't spoil anything because I hate doing that, and you need to watch it, but I can't even imagine what's going to happen this season, where it's going to go.
The unthinkable happened last year (which was dealt with nicely) and I don't know if he can come back from that. All of those involved, crazy different backgrounds, but all in this together...What! So amazing.

The next question is about his co-workers. What is that dynamic going to be like. There was this fantastic evolution with several co-workers, you wonder if it's going to fold into itself. How much do they know about each other, how much will they question authority and do what they think is right.

Oh, and then there's always Alice. I really hope she stays one of the main focuses. However, with this new season, will they continue with her being the "Big Bad" or bring in something/one new? They could go the typical serial type and have each season (he just signed on for a 3rd!!) have a new focus, or they could just stay on track and continue from what they left off on. There is definitely enough story and subplots to continue on the same road.

Man, so many questions.
I love good TV!

New Television Shows

TV Season, 2011.
Not bad so far. I know this probably should go in the TV section, but whatever. I'm such a TV person that the new fall schedule makes me happy. I guess the easiest way to do this is what is my new favorite show for each day.

Monday: 2 Broke Girls
First off, I like Kat Dennings. I've surprising seen many of her films (true, sometimes by accident), but I've her even in the bad movies. I like the writting, it's smart and witty (thank you Whitney Cummings). I think it's realistic, but with outlandish humor. Does that even make sense? To me it does. True, a server would never talk back to a customer (without getting fired), but it's the dialogue they all wish they can say. I also though the pilot was funny. It laid out the entire show, there is an end in sight, and you can imagine the crazy stuff in the middle of it all.
I'm excited for Terra Nova, though. So we'll see after tonight.

Tuesday:
Yeah, I'm not sure yet. I'm watching Ringer with SMG, but I'm not sure. I liked the pilot, there is a twisted web of mystery. Besides, it's SMG, it's Buffy. The second episode though, sucked. It told the same plot points and storylines over and over again, which was already set in motion in the pilot. I will stick with it, just don't know if I'll make it a whole season.
Also, New Girl. Yes, Zooey Deschanel is absolutely adorable. It's funny and nerdy and a little much. The little much part, not sure how much I can handle that. Granted, Happy Endings is a little much, but I connect with those characters so I deal with it well. We'll see. I'm sure I'll end up loving it.

Wednesday
Not watching anything new, but it's the night of Luther, so yeah.

Thursday: Person of Interest
JJ Abrams. Enough said.

Friday
So excited for Grimm!

Sunday:
Can't wait for Once Upon A Time!

ACL 2011

Well, I made it, once more, through the crazy weekend known as Austin City Limits Festival. 3 days of music, weird Texas weather, and good friends. It's really an amazing part of my year, and I can't imagine not going.

I have now been 5 years in a row. Each year is different in it's line-up and personal atmosphere. For example, last year was a solitary year with indie bands I heard about from my bro-in-law, and this year was hanging with different groups of friends and exploration of new music. Each year I have more and more fun, each year I hear more and more awesome bands.

This year, though, I think I'm going to go something about the new music. I've only bough records one other year, and those are some of my favs! This year, I will get an album of one new band for each of the days. 3 new albums: Friday=Santigold, Saturday=Cut Copy, Sunday=Elbow.
I have also realized that my favorite types of shows to see at ACL, besides my favorite bands obviously, are the DJ/electronic sets. Something about dancing around to random yet manicured beats in the heat is awesome.

My Friday this year was spent with my friend from Houston. We haven't seen each other since she moved up there, a year ago, and it was awesome to spend all day with her. Not only do we totally get along, but there is this connection that the two of us have. For not really hanging out or talking all that much, and that our friendship is sorta new, it's pretty freaking awesome.
Saturday was spent bouncing between my groups of friends. I saw some great bands, not really having a schedule, it wasn't too crazy. I was able to see Stevie Wonder, who was amazing. I didn't stay the entire show, though. Not that I didn't want to, but I did want to rest up for Sunday and at the end of the night I was a bit tired of everyone. (more on that later)
Sunday was a day with the besties. For the second year in a row, my boys came on Sunday. I love my boys, and we had a good time checking out everyone's music choice, and everything worked out schedule wise. We also had a friend with us who had never been at ACL. This was her first day, ever. It was pretty awesome. I'm glad I got to be her host and show her how awesome it is. I am a bit of an old pro, so I of course had her try The Mighty Cone!

Okay, so people on Saturday.
The only real designated spots they have for the audience is where you can and cannot take your chairs. Other than that, it's open season. There are no designated walk ways or blanket only areas. People were just getting so upset if someone walked in front of them in the crowd. Where else are we suppose to go? Seriously, you're at an outdoor festival, where there are a good 60,000-80,000 people. I'm sorry in my attempt to get out of the ridiculous crowd I stepped on your blanket on the ground! Where were my Austinites at?

With that minor mishap, I had a great time. It's a place where you can go for 3 days, listen to good music, maybe meet up with people maybe not, and just there. You can kind of check out from time to time, and that isolation while being in a crowd is nice.

Now I get to prepare for the Austin Film Festival. Yes!

The First Week of School

There are a few things that I really enjoy about my day job. You could even call them perks. I can relearn and study up on history, refreshing my knowledge. I can also read stories and books that I might have never read, or reread some of my favorites. I also can challenge my memory on whether or not I remember the correct Algebra equation to answer the problem.

One of my favorites though, is the questionnaire they give at the beginning of school so the teacher can get to know the students. This is a very personal perk. I don't know what it is, but I love filling out questionnaires or quizzes about myself. I always have, I used to fill them out in the teen magazines of my youth. I'm sure there's some deep rooted answer to this, or the simple on of narcissism. Either way, I have fun with them.

So, to fulfill the narcissistic element of myself, I will fill out one that was handed to our 5th grader. I'll do just one, because otherwise I won't get anything done.

My family: I have an amazing mom, a strong father, a heroic brother, and a creative sister. All of which are amazing! I also have a step-mom, awesome in-laws, and a niece and nephew I love more than myself.

My birthday, birthplace and places I have lived: Being from a military background this is a fun question. I was born in Cheyenne Wy on January 31 at Fort Warren Air Force base. I have also lived in Omaha NB and Eatontown NJ, and McAllen TX for a while.

My hobbies, talents, pets, sports, and other interests: I like to make jewelry and write screenplays in my spare time, as well as paint and make cards and scrapbooks. Pretty much anything you can do with your hands, I can do. I'm a pretty creative person. At the moment I don't have any pets, but we are in the market for one. It's been a while since we've had a pet in the house, and I'm beginning to miss my furry companion. I love playing volleyball, pool party/beach v-ball is my favorite summer activity. I'm also getting really into kickboxing, and have branched out (slightly at the moment) into martial arts. I love reading books and watching movies/TV, spending time with my friends and family, having a wonderful conversation over a beverage...

The most interesting experience of my life: I've had some awesome experiences in my life. I've been able to travel to several places in the states, and out of country. I've had the crazy nights with my friends, in city and out of city. I've had the monumental concert experiences, seen some awesome bands. But, if I had to pick one to talk about, I'll discuss my 30th birthday.
It started with the spending a day in Fredricksburg with my dad and having a great time just being together, being close, being a father-daughter team. Then, the night before I left for my trip, my friends threw me a dinner/drinks party at a wine bar. All of the IC was there, even a bff from out of state flew in just to see me. They all made me bday cards, which is something I always do for them. Then, I went to see my sister and bro-in-law in WA and we spent the weekend in Vancouver Canada. Not a bad way to start off your 30s, not at all.

My best memory from past years: I have a lot of great memories from my youth. Most of them include my brother. However, I'll say one that involves my sister, to show her that I don't just think of how mean she was to me. I was 13, I believe, and Interview with the Vampire was soon to be released in theaters. Of course I couldn't get in on my own, and my mom wasn't going to take me for she hates 'horror' films (that has since changed). My sister offered to take me, on one condition. The condition being that I had to read the book before I saw the movie. I think I complained at first, I wasn't ever a big reader when I was younger, but I did it for the movie. I loved the book! It also started me wanting to read the books (usually before) I see a movie adaptation. Anyways, I remember going with my sister and her bff (who they are still friends, and who I hang out with from time to time and view as a sister) in the bffs red Chevy Beretta to Northcross Mall. One of the times when my sister let me hang out with her and her friends when I was younger, and had a great time (and loved the movie).

My favorite school subjects: I love History and English. My favorite classes in college were Gothic English, Military History, Vampires in Eastern Europe, and Narration in World Cinema.

My favorite books, foods, movie, and TV shows: Books would be Pride and Prejudice, Frankenstein, Harry Potter, and The Hunger Games. Foods would be Mom's home cooking, Asian, and really good hamburgers. Movies would be Casablanca, Millions (Danny Boyle), Fifth Element (Luc Besson), Talk to Her (Almodovar)... My favorite TV shows would be Buffy, White Collar, SOA, The Shield (am going to start The Wire so chill), Extras...

My plans for the future: My main plan for the future is to be happy. I know it sounds lame and a cop out, but it's true. As long as I continue to make choices that make me happy, then I'm set. Sure I want to work in the industry and direct a script of mine and continuing writing, but that's stuff that makes me happy. I want to spend time with my loved ones and stay close, but that fills my heart with love. I would like to have a family one day, but that'll come when I finally meet my Mr. Darcy and makes me happy. It all comes down to being happy with where you are and who you are. Everything else is just details.

Those Guys

You know the ones I'm talking about. These are the ones that you can't stop thinking about. These are the ones that you feel you have a connection with, you enjoy spending time with them, and they make you feel all gitty and teen-like. These are the ones that you find out want nothing to do with you. These are the ones that don't think of you as you think of them. These are the ones that after all of that, you still find yourself thinking about from time to time.

We don't know why we do this to ourselves. Our entire psyche is telling us this is unhealthy, that we are causing ourselves more pain than what this person is worth. Yet, stubbornly we don't listen. We think it's fun to imagine how things could have gone if you were controlling the universe. We like to think how things in our perfect world would be.

This has happened to me many times in my life. While the type of guys has changed, the situations have not. You would have thought that I would have learned at one point or another that what I'm doing is wrong. Nope, I must have missed that lecture. In the past, I would have at least learned a little something about myself and what type of guy I was "crushing" on. I wouldn't necessarily change, but I would realize that maybe these aren't the healthiest types for me, the ones that don't fit my life and lifestyle. Maybe I did learn a little after all.

It's actually fun to look back at my tastes in guys and see the evolution from when I was a teen to an adult. To make this fun, I'll use my Hollywood crushes as examples: Devon Sawa/Jonathan Brandis' to the Elijah Woods/Mike Vitars to the Justin Timberlakes/Josh Harnetts to the Orlando Blooms to the Chris Kliens to the Jake Gyllenhaals to the Brandon Boyds to the Chris Evans' to the Joel Edgerton/Alex O'Loughlins (some of the later ones have yet to fade). Typical, I know. The pretty boys to the tall dark and handsoms to the musicians to the men. At least this is how I see it. I should see it, they're my types.

Most of that evolution comes with age. Being in my 30s (gasp! still think it's weird), I want to feel secure. I want to feel like I'm taken care of, but not suffocated. It's that traditional model with a modern twist. I always say that my perfect man is Mr. Darcy. One who challenges you and pushes you to look deep inside yourself to find out who you are, and the one who will love you for you and who doesn't want to change anything about you.

That seems to have been a problem for me recently. I thought I had found my Darcy. Now don't go all crazy like and think I said the one, because I so did not! Yeah, I may be around the new marrying age, but I'm not about to just jump into a dress and haul myself down the aisle. I'm still having way to much fun with my life to think about that. But yes, I do think I'm looking for someone to have a relationship with. I thought I found the guy I could have a relationship with. Then I thought I found someone who I had a lot in common with and would have a fun relationship with. Both of them went down in flames.

Rejection is an interesting word to use because I'm not sure one of them was rejection. I'm very sure the other one was, and it's whatever. That one would have been more fun than anything, and for me there was a crazy attraction (that has a root in a nerd element so we'll forget to mention that part) and knew it wouldn't be a long connection anyway. Not to say that I wouldn't try it or that it wouldn't be fun to try...I'm just okay with it burning in flames at the moment. The other one could of just been out of ignorance. Okay, okay...it probably was all my fault because I never said anything about how I felt.

I don't like to think of that, necessarily, as all my fault. I'm not your typical modern girl (my phrasing early was perfect, by the way). While I am very independent and am secure in my ideas and thoughts, I also believe that it doesn't always have to be the girl to make the first move. Why is it wrong to think that if a guy is interested he should approach the girl in question? That traditional element, and some more, of 'old school' courting is something that I think is missing in our generation. It also has to do with the fact that that tactic hasn't worked for me so I'm boycotting it for a while. If you're interested in me, you can approach me instead of me approaching someone who isn't interested in me. It makes sense to me.

Either way, there is a person I can't get out of my head. The thing that is so frustrating is that he was gone for a good while. I experienced something that knocked me down, so I separated myself from the situation. I did good. Yea me! Not so fast strong self, one little dose and I find myself right back where I was. Maybe I'm a little bit better now, at least now I know it's unhealthy for me.

What I really need to do is focus on something else. Put those emotions into something else. That is something a writer would say, isn't it? Having crushes on other guys has helped in the past. Almost helped. The last one was the one that I didn't expect to ever see again and ended up realizing we have stuff in common then resulted in rejection.

I think this time I'll just focus on my Hollywood crushes. It's more fun and the element of rejection isn't there. Unless I actually meet them, which in my career isn't all that impossible. All we can do then is hope things end up differently than before. Now that is what I call fun!

Welcome back....

The summer has officially ended for me. I'm back at work.

I didn't do much this summer, or at least it feels like it, but I did. I guess I'm referring to the list of household "To Dos" that I never finished. You always have those things of Spring Cleaning or Summer Projects that get pushed aside. I did do a few things on those lists, but with our super crazy hot summer, I just got lazy.

I spent many a days lying on the couch watching Netflix Instant. Amazing. It was fun just watching random movies. I cleared a lot of my Q, but then repopulated the list with television shows. I don't know if I'll ever get it down to a manageable number.

I did do some really awesome things this summer, too. Those days were mainly spent filming segments for "Viva Latino!" We have been on the air since July, and still doing strong. We're starting to get some buzz around town, which can only mean good things in the future.

It's been a really good summer in that sense. Our crew, at this point, have a sibling like relationship. Filming days may be long, but it's fun. It's nice to have such an awesome crew, and it's really nice that we all get along. It sucks that we can't film as much as we'd like, but our crew is still stationed in Beaumont for the time being. I think we all long for the day we are all based here....with a studio. Some day.

I also spent some awesome days with my bffs. Many a days just lounging by the pool. I actually have a tan, I have color! Then, one day of playing volleyball changes all that to me having tans lines. Ugh. That's okay, though. While I may be working again, our weather still is in summer mode. I have a few more pool days in my future.

I also got to travel. I went to Virginia to visit family. That may not be most people's idea of a summer vacation, but it's mine. I love spending time with family, especially those that live in other places. Besides, the whole act of traveling, plane trips and packing a suitcase, make it a vacation. I had an awesome time with my family. While I didn't get to see all that are in Virginia this time around, the ones that I did see was time I cherish. And plus, I got to go to my favorite clothing store, I was happy. Hey now, I'm still a girl and I do like to shop.

I didn't read as many books as I would have liked, or wrote as much as I had planned. I definitely didn't keep this up as I had planned many months ago. But, I do hope that with this new school year I will be more proactive on what I want to accomplish and create.

That new motivation will come from a few new places. For writing, I want to create. I want to get back to my roots and jump back into my characters and create this new world for someone. It's about writing down or perfecting this image I have in my head. It also helps that with my networking that is coming from Viva, I want to make sure my blog is up to date and presentable. I am a writer, and promoting myself as a writer, I need to write.
Another new motivation is coming from a side business. I have been making jewelry for a while now, and am expanding my talents every day. I've gotten compliments on some of the pieces I've made, for me or others, and think I have enough interest to sell. I'll start off small and reasonable, and make them one of a kind pieces for a particular person. We'll see what happens.

It's interesting, still, that I view my years as having two new beginnings. I have the obvious new beginning in the new year, but I also see the start of school as a new beginning. Between going to school and college, and now working for the district, our years start at the end of the summer. I have two times a year that I can recharge my batteries. I have two times a year I can refocus on what's important in my life. It's nice to have this. Now, if only I'll stick with it and not be hypnotized by the television and what all is offered....

Things they are a moving...

I know, it's been a while. Things have been busy, but mainly I've just been lazy. I don't know what it is as of late, but I've been super lazy in my personal life. Although, when I have the days of doing nothing, I feel bad and anxious, as if I'm supposed to be doing something. Of course, it turns out I should have been putting the finishing touches on Father's Day and nephew's birthday presents.

Moving on...
Things in my world seem to finally have settled. The past 5 months have been a roller coaster, one scary stressful ride. Luckily, things have worked itself out and things are good. They never will be perfect or fixed, but they are fine and that makes me happy. Since that aspect of my life has evened out, I feel balanced and content.

Of course, this also might have to do with the fact that I'm working on a television show.
I know, right, super exciting. It's something that has been in development for a while now but is now really starting to get going, production meetings and everything! It's going to be a great show that highlights the Latin community in Austin, and Austin in general. A lifestyle show about what makes us, us. It's great to be working with a crazy talented group, and personally exciting to show my stuff. It's also nice to be working in the industry again.

It's kinda weird to think that in a few short days I'll be on a set (so to speak) filming segments for our show. It's so great to know you're apart of something from the very beginning, and have a say and can help with what happens with the show. It's a big step for me, career wise, and I think that's why I'm so stoked about it. I know I will rock this position. The possibilities, and future possibilities, are endless.

So, here's my plug...!!!

Viva Latino!
CW Austin, channel 12 (knva for those non-cablers)
Sundays
First episode July 3, 2011

Ramble

I know, I know. But, things have been super busy lately. I know it's not an excuse, or a lame one at least. If it makes you feel any better, I have finished my script. Yay, go me. Work has been sorta busy, and at home I've been trying to get things together with all the new additions.

Eh, that's besides the point. I'm back, and writing and whatnot.
Man, AS, that is my new phrase because of you.

I am in a good place right now. I'm scared to say so, though. (dammit.)
I'm feeling good. Things have balanced out and seem to be doing okay. My family health issue is stable. I miss him, man do I miss him, but I know that this is the best thing. I still talk to him all the time, making sure to stay just as connected as we were when he was here. Career seems to be actually going. Little by little, but I have the road ahead of me know, and I'm on it. I'm doing things that I've wanted to do, and know that other things are just around the corner. I'm feeling better about myself. I started kickboxing, and there is such confidence and power that comes from hitting a 300 lb or so bag.

Balanced. Maybe that's how I should approach it. I know that the tables can turn any moment now, that while good, they aren't necessarily stable. It's happened in the past. I've talked about it before. I've declared my war on life, taking back what's mine, then getting pelleted from life. I've learned my lesson. What I need to do is take things one day at a time. Do what I want to do, what I feel I need to do, one item at a time. As they say, life is what happens when you make other plans.

I don't want to sound like I've had some big revelation or anything, but the roller coaster I've been on lately has made me realize that you can never be sure things will stay constant. I don't necessarily have my guard up, but I'm protecting myself. That's all I can do, really.

As they also say, take the bad with the good. Realize that bad stuff is going to happen, but you have to let it go and let in the positive. I think this is a good way to start my summer. My crazy exciting summer.

The Rapture

Apparently tomorrow is Judgement Day, May 21 2011. This is the day, that according to the Bible, that Jesus will come back down to earth to bring his true followers to Heaven and leave the rest to torture before the end of the world 5 months later.

I'm a little freaked out.
I mean, I grew up Catholic (and still identify with some of the religion) and that fear (sadly) was part of it. (So was guilt, and we definitely won't talk about that.) There has always been a high level of mysticism placed around Jesus, as well as the second coming. But it's hard for me to believe that Jesus would be that vindictive.

Of course, I'm not a fundamentalist and not one who takes the Bible word for word, so obviously I see things in a different light.
Even so, part of me wonders what will really happen tomorrow.

Maybe this is selfish to think, but some things in my life are finally starting to work out, and it's hard for me to believe that I'm going to have those snatched away from me as soon as they are presented to me.
On the other hand, I can think of a way for the next 5 months to be torturous for me based on other areas of my life.

As I'm assuming you're noticing, I'm assuming I'll be one of the dammed. Not that I think that I've lived a sinful life, because I haven't...at all. However, I've also not lived my life according to the way you're suppose to if you follow the Bible and religion to a tee.
What way is right, though? Who is to say that I'm living closer to the way of the Lord than those to take it literally. I don't want to get into a heated religious debate, but there are questions.

Anyways, so tomorrow is when the Saved are going to be brought up to Heaven while the rest are left on Earth to suffer. Okay. What's that going to look like? I guess no ones knows, just that it's going to happen. But what's going to happen to those who believe this so much when it doesn't happen to them? That's what I'm beginning to fear more.

I don't think if I survive the day tomorrow that I'm going to Hell. (Of course, if my friends and family and I do survive, I guess that means we'll all be in Hell together.) I don't think the world is going to end any time soon, not now or Oct 21 or Dec 2012.
But what are those people going to do who did think so? Are they going to change their belief? Are they going to change their expectations for the actual day? Was there a delay at the TSA line? (sorry, probably a bad joke) I guess the only thing we can do is wait. Wait and see what really is going to happen tomorrow.

Uh...

I had a great topic to talk about today, one that I thought would be thought provoking and would be something worth writing. Of course, I can't remember what it was. Oh, yes, yes I do. I'm not going to change the title, or this beginning. It's interesting that we can plow through our brain, retrace our thoughts to try to remember something, and then it pops in your mind out of no where.

What I wanted to talk about was sports. Okay, so maybe it won't be as thought provoking as I mentioned, but it'll make you think nonetheless.

I'm a supporter of sports teams. I'm a huge UT football fan. I bleed orange, fa sho! I also support the Vancouver Canucks. I love watching the Olympics, and even watched the World Cup last year. I've seen my share of basketball and volleyball games, and have even been to a few baseball games. I even sort of pay attention to rankings and what's going on in each sport.

I'm not a huge fan of various teams, though. I'll watch the sport and enjoy it, but the only teams I actively support are the Horns and Canucks. This made me think; what's the point.

Unless you are betting on the games, or are players on said teams, as a fan it really doesn't matter if they win or lose.

Sure, you can have your fantasy leagues or bragging rights, but as far as your every day life it doesn't matter. Having your favorite team win won't determine whether you get the promotion or not, or whether your best friend is going to have dinner with you that night. (Yes, you can debate they will or not depending on if a game is showing, but that's besides the point.) So, if the majority of the population won't be directly affected, why are we such a sports obsessed culture?

I have no idea other than it makes us happy. It's fun to watch games, especially if you like to play sports yourself. The people who like to watch sports are usually active anyway, so it's just an extension of who they are. It's just an interest people have. There really isn't a right or a wrong answer, this is more rhetorical anyway. (Obviously...)

What made me think about this was the fact that I'm totally involved in the Stanley Cup finals. A huge reason of this is because the Canucks are in the playoffs. (Only one more round! Come on Canucks!!) This really doesn't effect me because I'm in Texas, far away from the cool breeze of the Pacific Northwest. No one, other than my mom, is watching the games with me. Half the time I find out the final score either through my app (totally have a Canucks app) or the paper. I mean, I have watched my share of games, but you know.

Anyways, me being a Canucks fan isn't going to help me finish my script or make me have new friends. Well, I take that back. I might meet some new people because of my interesting love of the Canucks. That would be awesome, wouldn't it? Besides the point...

It's just something that I enjoy doing. Watching hockey games are fun, and it's not just because there are some major hits in this sport. It's watching skilled people executing their talent for the masses.

This could of been just a total waste of time. Of course people are going to be into sports even if they are effected by the outcome or not. It's just an interest. Duh.

Absent

I really failed on the twice a day thing, didn't I? Well, if it makes you feel any better, I've been writing more.

I'm actually well into my second act, and pretty happy with it so far. It does help that I had a scene breakdown and used that as my outline. I'm about half way done, maybe less, and think if I can get a few solid hours of pure writing down I'll be done soon. A little over my May 1st deadline, but you know.

One of the best things at the moment is that I can divide into this script, these characters, and forget about my crazy life. It's nice to have an outlet. This is also why I'm such a media person. I like to escape sometimes, forget my problems and enjoy myself for a few hours. Don't get me wrong, I also love beautiful art, but it's nice to check your head at the door.

The other outlet I've acquired lately is kickboxing. I've been going to a shadow kickboxing class for several months, but am about to start my third week of classes with bags. Man, there is nothing like an emotional release/clearing of the mind than punching and kicking a 200 lb boxing bag. It's brilliant. I totally in love.

It does take a lot of energy and I'm worn out by the end of the hour, but I feel great. I feel energized, clear, stronger, more confident. I still need to work on some of my kicks, since I'm focusing more on form than power at the moment, but I feel I've got a killer hook. Now only if I could get a bag for my garage and be the typical movie cop. I'm the only one to find that funny, right?

I better get started on my script. The longer I wait, the more procrastination elements I find. That's one reason why I love Demetri Martin's "Circle of Procrastination." So true. I guess I could lock myself out of the internet service...but then there's always Solitaire on the computer. I did figure out my key to total focus. Music through headphones. Now, if only I can decide what album to listen to first...

Write Now, Edit Later

That's what I keep telling myself. I just need to get the ideas in my head on paper, and then once I have that done I can go back later with a fine tooth comb. Cross the tee's, dot the...lowercase jays.

We don't have a lot of work to do right now, thank you TAKS, so I'm free to write during the day. I've written a lot in the past two days. 28 pages to be exact. That may not seem like all that much, but it is. I'm done with Act I, well into Act II, and still have my climactic Act II ahead.

Act II, as it usually does, is causing me problems. Well, not so much problems, but just not sure it's playing out like it should. That is where this title comes into play: write now, edit later. I think it's shaping up to be something great. I know what scene I will write to push it into Act III, so as long as I write towards that scene, I should be good.

Even though I have most of the scenes laid out for me, a blueprint of the script, things still pop up and the characters are shaping the story. For example, I have two characters that 'told me' that they had a relationship together back in the day. A relationship they never fully got to explore, so to some extent are not over and still consider each other 'the what-if.' I didn't mean for them to have much interaction, but somehow through writing it came out. I like this new element, and it brings some more conflict. Conflict, that if done right, could be really good.

I really hope this turns out to be a good script. I love the concept and story, I just hope I can do it justice. I'm happy with it, don't get me wrong, but I also know that it can be so much better.
I guess, though, in the long run that's a good thing. It's a good thing that I know that I can write the shit out of this script. That I am indeed writing the first draft, that I each draft after this one will get better and better.

Write now, edit later.

Twitter

I never thought I'd actually use Twitter. I was totally against it when it first became popular. I thought it was stupid and didn't care about what over-privileged people thought of the world. Or maybe it was just because I didn't like Ashton and Demi's stupid tweets.

Fast forward just about 2 years later, and I'm on it.
I didn't mean for it to happen, and to my defense I had some legit reasons for joining.

The first one being that I joined last year during SXSW so I could keep up with my bff and found out where he was so I could hopefully be able to see him sometime that week. He also has some really great tweets about underground music, right before they pop. It's interesting and I love being able to see him 'work' when I'm not there.

The second, my in-law totally convinced me to get on based on our boys, Simon Pegg/Nick Frost/Edgar Wright, tweets. They are hilarious! I love those guys, and they have funny nerdy tweets. More so Pegg, but it's still great. Then, I'm totally up to date on their films and projects and in the know.

Those are find and all, but I never expected to start tweeting myself. Some of my friends and family are also tweeting, so it's a fun way to be stupid. Not to mention I don't have to censor myself on Twitter. I mean, my niece is on Facebook. Half the time I don't know what to post, and feel like I have to be funny or say something interesting. Most of the time I think I fail in that department.

Since joining, though, my list of people I follow has grown. I'm following quite a bit, and I'm constantly getting new posts. Most of them are either comedians or actors from my nerd love (like Buffy or Harry Potter). It's ridiculous how nerdy my list is. I heart it!

I think it's finally come into it's own, so I don't feel so bad for being on it. It's a way for people to inform you about projects, promote things, and a way for you to get fresh comedy daily. You feel closer to the celebs you love, and that's cool too. Although, they do keep a distance, which is appreciated. You don't want your fantasy personality of a particular person to be burst, ruins the fun.

So, while I never thought I'd be apart of this pop culture phenom, I am fully engaged.
When it comes to pop culture, though, are we ever really able to avoid it for long?

But I don't want to do it...

Sometimes I feel like this.

Time

The concept of time is an interesting beast. Sometimes it feels like the day is dragging (like today) and other times it feels like it's flying by. You think back to when a year in your younger years was a LONG time, and now it's something that seems manageable. We all know that actual time doesn't change throughout the years, but it changes with age.

Ugh. Age. I am beginning to hate that word. I've actually hated it for a while now. It started back when I experienced ageism. Granted, I wasn't as "adult" as I thought I was at that time, but I also was as "childish" as they expected me to be. What, that is neither here nor there.
Age affects us in may different ways; from re-evaluating yourself and who you want to be and who you will be, to how you perceive certain things. This goes back to time.

I have no concept of age (again with age) of other people. I used to be pretty decent about guessing how old someone is. Now, I assume everyone younger than me is 12, maybe 15, and those older I'm afraid to ask cause then I feel like a loser. (Sarah Michelle Gellar is only 4 years older than me...Buffy is just a few years older....) I feel like I haven't done enough with my life at this point when others have. Okay, so they are all famous and were in the limelight since a young age, but still.
And when it comes to the kids younger than me, was I ever that bad? One second thought, don't answer that. I know I had my moments of stupidity with my friends, thinking we were cool for being loud. One thing I'm grateful for, though, is that the interwebs weren't a normal everyday part of my teenage years. I would not have been strong enough to deal with that shet.

Back on the topic of time.
I'm sitting here at work, having worked on the last chapters of a book, did a math test, and finished up several vocabulary pages. I still have an hour and half left of work. Ugh. And it's Friday, which makes it worse.
I just think when you look at how time is perceived at different moments of your life is interesting. Like the old saying goes, "Time flies when you're having fun."

I have no idea where my train of thought is going on this topic. I thought I would have something interesting and mystical to say, instead I just keep thinking, 'I'm just trying to make something cool out of the fact that I have an hour and a half left of work and am bored.'

Taking Back Your Life

Is it a good sign when before you even start the post you immediately jump into a side note? Anyways, every time I hear 'your life' I think of Varsity Blues. Remember that 1999 movie with James "Dawson" Van Der Beek and Paul "Too Fast" Walker and Scott "No Neck?" Caan? James says the most hilarious line in the worst Texas accent ever!: "I don't want your life."
Now back to your regularly schedule program...

There are many instances where I make this grand declaration of taking my life back. It consists of the ideas of working on what I think need to be fixed, no mended. These mostly consist of working on my scripts and exercising more. I pump myself up to achieve this and am excited to get started and start anew.

It never fails that once said declaration is made something in my life comes crashing down. I spend what is suppose to be time mending my faults mending my life back together.
The point I'm at now, I don't know if I'll ever be able to mend my life back together, so why not make that same declaration...

I want to take my life back. I want to actually work on the things that need to be fixed.

I do plan on ending my laziness and start to dedicate at least two nights to writing. This does seem like it's not that big of an improvement, but when you consider what I have going on in my life at the moment, two is a good place to start. This, of course, doesn't mean I can't dedicate more days or work on it more what I initially thought, I hope that happens. At least, though, it's a place to start and a place for me to focus my energy.

Same goes with the working out more. I'm going to switch up my routine a little in the hopes that this will spark something in me. Something fresh to throw at my body to have it adjust to. I'm pretty strong when it comes to my current workouts, so a challenge is what I need. Besides, it'll be nice to hit a heavy bag. I'm sure that's the best way to relieve stress. Maybe I'll even be cute when my bffs wedding comes around in the fall.

The biggest thing that I'm hoping to achieve with this declaration is a refocusing of my emotional state. My emotions are all over the place, causing me to be confused and feel numb. Not the most pleasant feeling to be living with day to day. I figure, I have strong emotions, why not place them in something that deserves them, some place that thrives on them. It seems logical.

Logical.
Maybe I should have been doing this all along. Maybe I should of used what was thrown at me at ammunition for other projects instead of building up a bulletproof vest to wear.
I don't know, though. That vest has come in handy and will forever be with me.

Maybe my past declarations were just the prelude to what is to come now. This is my time to take my life back.

Growing Up

There are so many time that my friends and I have said the phrase, "Growing up sucks." And it's true. You have to do stupid things like pay the bills, car and house repairs, 9-5 jobs, and so on and so forth. One thing that really sucks above all the others is when you except the concept of morality.

As we get older we're faced with the lose of life, the first being the older generations like grandparents. You understand the concept, and go through the stages of grief, but you still don't think it could happen to you or those directly connected with you. When one of these people is a parent, it's even harder to take.

This reality isn't new to be, I've been dealing with it for the past 9 years. Nine years is a long time to battle between realistic thoughts and hopeful wishes. It's also a long time to get used to the fact that said parent is a fighter and has put up one hell of a battle.

His battle, our battle, isn't over yet. We're still going to take this thing head on, but it's slowly sinking in that this is what is going to eventually win. We don't know when, but we know how.
That's when all the thoughts start to flood into your brain, confusing you and scaring you and playing with you.

Will they be there for my marriage? If I would have done things differently would that have already happened? Will I accomplish my career goals before the end? Since the marriage issue is on the table, what about the grandkids? Did I waste my life? Is my life something that is worth be proud of? Did I spend enough time with them? Is there more I could of done?

Whatever those answers will be, those questions will never fully go away.

Untitled

I know I promised to write everyday, and I want to keep up with it. I even think it is doing it's job. I've thought about writing and what I'm going to write each day. From the blog posts I begin to think about my script and what I'm going to write there. I really do think about writing the majority of the day. However, on the days that I'm not able to write, I feel like I've failed somehow.

Then there are the days like today.

I have so many things running through my head I can't get a single topic nailed down. I can't write because when I start writing it turns to nonsense, confused passive aggressive statements.

When I have too many thoughts in my head I can't focus and I can't write as well as I can. I still want to write something to keep with my goal, but is it worth the random post? I don't think so. I tried though, that should count, correct?

I will keep writing, and keep with my 2 posts a day, but for today I will back away from the computer screen. A confused mind doesn't nothing for my writing.

Vampires

I have been interested in supernatural mythology for as long as I can remember, but I'm not sure if it was my own interested that sparked my love or if it was because of my sister's interest. I used to check books out in elementary school with subject matter like ghosts and vampires and conspiracies. While I've stayed interesting in all of the above, and have grown to enjoy werewolves and zombies, vampires are my favorite.

I guess that when my fascination started it revolved a little bit around the sexy appeal that vamps have, or the actors that portrayed the vamps but it's all the same. (No, I'm not goth.) I liked the stories, they sort of scared me, but it wasn't as if I wanted to be a part of the faux vamp world. It wasn't until I was in college that my interest became focused on the mythology surrounding vampires. I won't go too into my love of the different mythologies, because I want to use my knowledge for some form of creativity, but I will elaborate.

During my senior semester of UT I took a vampire class, Vampires in Slavic Cultures, and little did I know that this class would be one of my Top 5 favorite classes of my college years. It was so much more about just vampires in Slavic countries, and talked a lot about the different myths throughout the area. We covered how the mythology shifted from the Incubi and Succubi to the modern day vampires. Of course I still have all my notes and books, and reference them from time to time. I'm just a nerd.

The influence from this class is what made my love of vampires grow. I love how every vampire show or movie will alter the mythologies. This aspect has caused quite an uproar in the zombie community in regards to walking or running zombies, but I haven't noticed it in the vamp world. Maybe there is, maybe there is this community of people who are freaking out with the changes in show to show and I'm just not apart of it. I'm not, I'm not all crazy vampire lady, and I like the difference.

Take for example Being Human. (Yes, I'm going to talk about this amazing show again.) In BHUK Mitchell can't see his reflection and he can't show on film, but on BHUS Aidan can be seen on film and has a reflection. Or how in BHUK and US they are able to go out in the sunlight, but in Buffy they burst into flames.

I like that with each new vampire show they have their own mythology, this makes each show unique. I also don't mind this because historically vampire mythologies change from area to area. They change drastically from neighboring countries, could you imagine how they change from continent to continent. I especially like it when the shows have invented their own mythologies and historical lineage. It's all about the character. And let's face it, vampires are just cool.

Remakes

I'll just get right into it. I don't think remakes need to happen. There are some films that don't need to be messed with. Some films are so bad and cheesy they need to stay that way because they are brilliant.

There are tons of remakes being made recently. There seems to be one coming out every other week, actually. I understand the desire to modernize films of your youth with modern technology, but come on! Not everything needs to be redone for the 21st century.

This idea has been stirring in my brain for quite a while, but with the release of the new Conan trailer, I had to tell someone.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. And along with that, I know I have to admit that there are times that I'm interested in seeing a remake (Predators was one, even though I haven't seen it yet.). I'm not even sure if you've seen the Conan trailer, but man it's bad.

The movie look annoying, Conan is not nearly as awesomely bad as Arnold, and the whole smoke and mirrors crap is just plain stupid. Maybe they were hinting at the idea of there being more of a supernatural element to this version, maybe they thought that mysticism would be intriguing. Either way, in my mind, they failed because I'm not even remotely interested in seeing the film.

There is something enduring in the old, original Conan. Sure, they weren't that advanced in special effects or movie tricks, but as Star Wars has proved to us newer isn't always better. Conan was the movie it was because of Arnold and you can't have a Conan without having Arnold.

While I have a definite opinion on remakes, I don't know how I feel about reboots. I think that some are interesting and don't mind them. For example, I love the Nolan/Bale Batman and think it's an interesting take on a classic superhero. However, I don't agree with the reboot of Spiderman or Fantastic Four, it's too soon and the recent ones weren't that bad. Okay, so Spiderman 3 was pretty bad.

I have a huge problem with reboots done based on monetary reasons. Fantastic Four didn't make enough money, was as big of a hit as they had become, so they decided to redo it. I do agree with the fact, for this movie, that Alba was miscast and it would of be interesting to see someone else in the role, but not if it means a whole new movie. One more thing, Michael Chiklis is The Thing!

I think it's interesting when you take a new direction with these men/stories. I guess that's why I'm okay with it. I don't think Nolan/Bale is any better than Burton/Keaton, and we'll forget about the ones in between, but different. I like the difference between the two, not to mention that Nolan/Bale is a prequel so to speak (yeah, I know Joker was in both).

That's what I hate most about the Hollywood system, the money issues. I understand that movies cost a lot and in order to make it worthwhile and for a production company to survive they have to make something back, but that doesn't mean they have to dumb down a story. Indies are some of the best films out there, why can't they see that they do well too. Then again, movies are for the masses and indies usually aren't. Thank goodness for those indie folks who keep striving away. I love y'all!

Somehow I've gotten way off topic. Or is this what is suppose to happen with writing exercises. You start on one topic then move to the next. Who knows. I will end it with this, though. Movies that are so bad they are good need to be left alone.

The Difference a Day Makes

They always say to sleep on things and really think about things before you make any major decisions. I also tend to be very emotional and think emotionally before anything else. I'm an emotional person, and I lean towards being swayed by how I feel. I don't think this is a bad thing or something I need to work on. I've grown and matured to the point where I think emotionally but with my head (it makes sense to me) so I'm not as crazy as I once was.

I still don't know what to do with the situation I was talking about yesterday (with a few mistakes I might add...my bad), but things seem to be not as bad today as they were yesterday.

Okay, I take that back. Things are bad, but I can sort of see clearly now. (I'm sorry if you start singing and have an earworm, not my intention.)

What really has to happen is that I just need to let the chips fall where they're suppose to. I know I use that philosophy a lot in my life, and to some extent it works just fine (in others, up for debate). This, though, because there are so many people involved and so many lives that will be effected, I can't be the one to make the deciding decision.

I thought yesterday that I was going to be the grown-up and do what is thought to be my role, but now I don't know. I talked about me being selfish and not wanting this role, but in reality why should someone else get to be selfish over my life and dictate what I need to do. I'm the one who controls my life, I should be the one to make that decision.

As much as it makes me feel like I'm a selfish brat, I want to carry on with my life and my prospects as they are being presented to me. I am carving out a life for myself, one I've dreamed of for some time, and I don't think it's fair that I have to give it up just as it's working out. This may seem like the logical choice for some people, but it's not that easy in my world. The thing I was so willing to give up makes me so unbelievably happy, it's not fair that I have to consider leaving it. Isn't the one thing people want for you in your life is for you to be happy? If I leave this, I won't be happy. That will, in turn, effect others and how they feel and then that just messes with everything all over again. I can't do it. I can't do that to myself, and to others.

However, if keeping on track I'm affecting others as well. Or at least I feel that way. I don't know if others expect me to take this supposed role, though I have a feeling at least one person does. I could easily be thinking over dramatically. I have no idea what will happen in the future. I know what many of us think needs to happen, what makes sense all around. But, to be honest, even though it'll make things less stressful for me, I don't know if that's what I want to happen. I like the things I'm able to do, I like having this new exploration. However, is it worth all the stress that's trickling down through the masses?

I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know where things will go from here. At this point it's a major waiting game. Waiting for results and waiting for decisions to be made. I'm not alone in this, I have to keep reminding myself that. I can't be the one who takes on everything and makes all the decisions, I can't be. I personally am not strong enough to do it. I'm tired of being strong and the wall. I want to be taken care of, I want to be rescued. Where is my Angel/Spike/Mitchell when I need them?

Taking a day to think about anything is always the best thing to do, it's not always possible, but it's helpful. I can't tell you how many times I've written an email, sent it, and regretted it. I've also done the opposite, written something and sat on it, and then never send it out. Those are usually personal feelings toward someone, and when you sit and realize the actual effect they could cause on thing you have second thoughts.

I do think I think too much. I think too much on what the outcome of situations might be, and I'm scared to have the negative happen. I tend to not do something in fear of the negative, even though there is the slight chance of the positive happening. In my case, with certain thing, they never turn out right, so that's my biggest card against doing something. You could argue it's my biggest regret and the thing I constantly need to work on. That, however, is for another day.

I have friends that just do things without thinking, they think of something and do it. I'm not that ballsy. I do wish I was, and try to be, but in my own way. I try to get their energy to rub off on me, and I think I've succeeded in some aspects, but in others, it's still a battle. Thinking.

I think too much. I wish I didn't, it makes my mind go crazy! But I can't stop. I can't stop myself from thinking of different situations, real or imaginary, cause then I have nothing to do. I have to do something, and there is only so much you can look up on your phone without getting bored.

I'm thinking of throwing caution to the wind and running with an idea I have, even though I know what the outcome will be. Why you ask? Because I already know I'll fail, but it's more of the idea that I just went with it anyway. I'm sure that makes no sense, but it's what's been stewing in my brain. Okay, so there is a small, iota, of a part of me that thinks/hopes that there might be a slight positive thing that could come out of it. They say, when you have nothing left to lose just go for it.

No matter which way you look at it, in which situation I'm mysteriously talking about, I'm confused and have no idea what's going to happen next. I almost feel like I'm in the maze at the Tri-Wizard tournament. Let's just hope my cup isn't a portkey and I get transported to a place I really don't want to be.

Changes

There are many forms of change. You can change our hair, you can rearrange rooms, you can even change jobs or situations. Some, obviously, are bigger than others. No matter what type of change, it effects all areas of your life, to some extent.

I tend to deal with life changes with smaller changes as well. I usually do my hair different each time I go to the salon, and I also rearrange my room. I rearranged my room last night (in record time I might add) to help with the changes that are coming my way.

I had been thinking about this for a while, pretty much since my 30th birthday. This birthday was going to usher in new phases of my life, new phases that I was excited for. One of them, I am sad to say, fell through. It was hard getting over that one, but what can you do. It wasn't meant to be. The other seems to be firm on track, yet now I don't know how much I'll be able to participate in it.

Life has changed a lot since my 30th birthday. It's only been two months since then, and still huge things have changed. I don't yet know how I'm going to deal with them. I don't know if there is anything I can do to avoid what seems to be happening, but I still don't know if I want them to happen.

Is it wrong of my that I don't want things to change in that way? Is it selfish of myself to think this way? Shouldn't I be happy that I'm going to be able to participate in this because of the love I feel? Instead, I feel trapped and confused.

I spent the majority of my day thinking about this change, and how much it's going to effect the other aspects of my life. Aspects that I still had hope experiencing and being a part of. It was a hard emotional day. No matter what I though, I kept going back to this trapped feeling. This really is the only way. Maybe it's me being over dramatic, maybe it's the realization that what I had planned for myself isn't going to pan out.

Shouldn't I be used to that, though? My life hasn't turned out the way I pictured when I was 18, so why should I be surprised when my life at 30 isn't how I expected it to be. I had pretty much already given up hope on one element, so should I really be upset that it's really not going to happen now?

So many questions that I don't know how to answer, questions that I'm afraid to answer and look deep down inside cause it makes me sick that I'm acting this way and that I have to change yet again.

I should follow my own advice and let my life fall into place as it's suppose to. I've lived my life this way for a long time, excepting that fact that I've made certain choices that have lead me to this point already, so should I be all that surprised at its out turn? No, I shouldn't. I've done things that I wish I could of done differently, lived a different life, so to speak, and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Was I kidding myself all along thinking that I was anything other than this role?

I don't know. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what the future holds. All I do know is that I'm having a hard time excepting what my life will become for the next few years. Damn. All it boils down to is being being selfish. Others have already chosen this route, and it's my turn to act adult and take on my responsibilities.
Grow up. I need to grow up.

SXSW 2 Oceans 11

I had an amazing time at this years SXSW. I usually do, it's an excuse for my friends and I to go downtown and have a good time, and I'm also on Spring Break from work so it's super awesome. By the end of it, each year, I'm ready for my city to come back to normal and for the hoards of people to leave. Maybe it's the snob in me, maybe it's because we are over-run with people who think they are more important than they are, either way a week is long enough for SXSW. This year a week was just the perfect length of time. I was out every night, the whole 10 days, doing stuff. Not only of it was 'work' related, true, but I was still doing stuff.

As mentioned in a previous post, we were going to get badges. This, however, did not work out. It was incredibly nice of our contact to help us out, but there was miscommunication and the badges ended up falling through. I was a bit bummed, I wasn't going to be able to see any of my comedians and podcast taping that I had hoped to see. Other than that though, we were able to do what we needed to do and had a great time doing it, so it didn't end up being a big deal.

We interviewed several people from each industry area: film, music, interactive. I met some amazing people, not only did I make great contacts with, but whom I also became friends with. Went to some great parties, saw some great movies/music, and also got to spend some time with those near and dear to my heart. It was a new experience for me since I was doing interviews and working and also making contacts, and it couldn't of been a better experience.

Things like that have happened a lot in the last year. I've randomly met some great people through unlikely connections, and they not only have turned out to be friends but they have also turned out to be a great industry contact and whom I work well with. It's the greatest feeling when you randomly make a connection and realize this is exactly what you're looking for. Makes you really believe that things happen for a reason, when they are suppose to happen.

Anyways, back to the things I enjoyed, which you can now direct your attention to the movies and music pages of this blog to find out a little more on each of these areas. I didn't get a chance to do as much as I wanted to do, especially with Day Shows, but I still walked away with some awesome material.

Next year we plan to blow it up in our own way and have our own SXSW showcase. Why shouldn't we? Between all the new connections and current workers we make a pretty well rounded group. I look forward to not only showcasing my/our talent, but to experience the fun of SXSW.

If I'm a writer, I need to write

I love to write. I love making up stories and characters and submerging into this new world. I love the process of writing ideas in my head down "on paper" and seeing something come to life. I kind of even love the physical activity of writing, be it on paper or on the computer. I do think of writing and scripts and stories all the time, at least multiple times a day if I don't wake up thinking about it. I'm a writer.

Then, blood hell, I need to write.

There are so many excuses that I come up with for why I am neglecting my talent and love. Anything from catching up on television programs, to visiting with family, to my social life, to listening to podcasts, to just being lazy. I started this blog to have an outlet to write and get back in the mindset so I can tackle my script(s) head on and knock them out. I have failed.

After SXSW (which was amazing!) I decided to change this, yet once again, I've failed to fulfill the idea in my head. I'm determined to change that and finally take my resolutions by the horns and actually write. So, here it is. I vow to write at least two posts a day. One main one, and the other on one of the various pages I have set up. I also need to really focus on my script, which I really do love and really want to bring to life. That, however, is another subject all together.

I'm not even sure if anyone reads this. Okay, I take that back. I do know of at least one person, and amazing lady, that does read this (Thanks!) and I want to make sure I have new content for her as well. It helps my laziness if I know there are people who are waiting to know what's in my brain. Wow, that was a bit conceded, I'm sorry.

So, yeah. Two posts a day. I hope I can continue with this trend for a while and that I really kick up on my writing profession. What is that saying, if you want to be someone, call yourself that profession and you are one? I totally butchered that. Example, if you want to be writer, start calling yourself a writer. Well, I got that part down...I just need to start writing.

Pitter patter goes my geek heart.

I think this is like the 5th time I've used geek heart in a social medium. (Someone is of the techie age.) Honestly, though, it's the perfect way to describe what I'm feeling. It's common place to thoroughly think about something before you write it, but I can't do that tonight. Geek Heart is too excited.

The night, no afternoon, started off with hearing from my boss that she could get me on the VIP list for the official Paul party, and wanted to see if I was interested. I actually had to think about it; in the sense that I would be spending less time visiting with my dad if I did. Even he was excited for me to go, and pretty much ushered me along. So, I ended up on the list, with my friend and sister-in-law's sister-in-law in tow. This slight hesitation seems completely out of character. Does this mean I'm going up? Ugh, I'd rather not think about it. What matters is I had a great day with my dad, and a great night out.

At the party we tried to do a little press, but they didn't let any photo gear into the part. That party was a Fail, but the win was just around the corner with our entrance into the venue. We enjoyed ourselves and have a good time. Some business was taken care of, as you do at SXSW, and also running into random friends, as you do when out and about, and the party was a blast.

After the several hours of just pure entertainment, the crew realized that we had a big day tomorrow, we all decided to head home. I tried to see if I could meet up with my sister-in-law who left about 30 minutes earlier to try to get into the premiere of the film. I ended up meeting her at the Paramount, and being able to GET INTO THE FILM.

Okay, side note. Yes, I did stay around the party, in which none of the cast was there, instead of going to see some of my favorite people in 3-D. Hey, though...there were some very famous directors at the party, that I didn't go and talk to. I know. It's confusing. I am such a fan, such a nerd, that I'm afraid of being a lame idiot when I meet these people and I end up not approaching them. They get approached so many times by so many people, I don't want to fall into the "You're the thousandth person today to ask me that" category. I have a question that I want to ask Simon Pegg, one that I think would spark a conversation. One in which we'll talk all night... A girl can dream.

Back to the story.

We were rushing to our seats, in the nose bleed section (totally don't care) and miss the intro by our boys, but were able to sit down right as the movie started. Perfect timing.

OMG. Paul is awesome! Such a funny movie! There were so many references to alien films (that I got) and were brilliantly done, that it's hard not to love it. If you love these guys, period, you'd love the film. Just so much fun. The cameos are perfect and they each add their own comic timing that helps the movie along. It's realistic and fantastical, a perfect blend if you're really on the run from the government with an alien hitchhiker in the seat next to you. I mean, that always happens, right? If it does, I don't want to know. Aliens still freak me out, unless they are voiced by Seth Rogen.

I could go on and on about the film, but this isn't a review, and you need to see it. All that matters are these few things: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost. Okay, Kristin Wiig, Jason Bateman, Bill Hader, Jane Lynch and many more are in it too, with Greg "Undeclared" Mottola directing it.

They did a Q&A after the film with Pegg, Frost, Mottola, and Wiig. The second best panel I've ever seen. You can sense that Frost and Pegg really are best mates, and its makes everything that much more awesome. They were funny and entertaining, but didn't seem like they had to put on a show. They are just genuinely funny individuals. If we were in the same room, you could see the glow of happiness seep through my face.

Even after this amazing evening, I do have to say we left just a little bit bummed. Frost or Pegg, or anyone other cast members, did not make an appearance at the party. That's okay, though. I'll just save my uber nerd question for another day.

SXSW 2011

I was all set to rock the free shows and parties and stick it to the man who thinks they can turn my laid back Austin into a pretentious wasteland. Then I got a badge through work.

I promise not to be a douche-badger, and I won't look down on those who don't have badges. S**t, I'm even lucky to have one (thanks wonderful boss lady of mine), and I'm the only one in my group, including family that's coming up for the music portion, to have a badge. I still plan on taking full advantage of the free shows and experiencing the beauty of Austin.

I also can't lie, I'm really excited about having a badge. One of my bffs is coming into town and it's exciting to know that I will actually get to go with him to a show and spend time with him (not that we won't meet up anyway outside shows). It's also exciting thinking that I might actually be able to see some of my favorite comedians.

However, it won't be as fun doing all of this by myself. Minus the bff, of course.

The badge was received for a reason, and I will be working during the week. I will help my boss and another co-worker interview multiple people who have influenced the Latin community in their respected jobs/industry.

As you know, the Latin community is rapidly growing and there are more things being targeted to them, not to mention the shift from traditional lifestyle to a modern living.

Being a Latin myself, and a writer who have all her characters as Latino, I'm looking forward to interviewing and meeting the people who have paved the way, forged ahead, in this ever changing society.

I'm sure we'll also cover fitness and martial arts, since those are equally important in our line of work, so the week should be filled with many new adventures.

(And it's going to be really cool if I can get into some of the podcast tapings.)

Keep an eye out for updates, hopefully during but most likely after, for events to keep eye out for. And if you're really interested, you can follow me on Twitter at: @lmmskipper

William Goldman is amazing.

I had come to this conclusion when I was reading his screenwriting books, but now I believe he's the most amazing person ever to write a story.

Like most children of the 80s, I loved The Princess Bride with all my heart. One of my all time favorite movies. You couldn't ask for anything better: true love, adventure, suspense, revenge, action... After way to long, I finally got the book The Princess Bride, S. Morgenstern's Classic Tale of True Love and High Adventure.

Goldman goes on to tell you that he's just doing an abridge for the original classic tale, which is based on real events centuries ago. He tells the story, then cuts in when he talks about he omitted from the original story and why. He sets up this elaborate fictional place and situations that has happened to him because of this book. I totally bought it. I was right there, connecting to how much something small can mean the world to you in your life. I was excited about the sequel Buttercup's Baby and searched for it online.

Was I shocked, and didn't believe it at first, that S. Morgenstern and that whole elaborate story was fake. S. Morgenstern is a pen name for William Goldman, and he made up everything; the story itself and his experiences too.

Instead of being embarrassed that I feel for it, and that I had talked to people about it, I was floored and in love with Goldman's story telling. Only a great storyteller could make up something so real, so personal, that you're wanting more even though you know it's fake.

It's true, the history and lore behind The Princess Bride makes this story even better and more amazing. It adds a level of romanticism that wasn't there before. You get transported to this fictional world, a world where these people really existed. It's a beautiful feeling.

So, even though I was fooled, I was fooled by the best. If you ever get a chance to read The Princess Bride, I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.