Changes

There are many forms of change. You can change our hair, you can rearrange rooms, you can even change jobs or situations. Some, obviously, are bigger than others. No matter what type of change, it effects all areas of your life, to some extent.

I tend to deal with life changes with smaller changes as well. I usually do my hair different each time I go to the salon, and I also rearrange my room. I rearranged my room last night (in record time I might add) to help with the changes that are coming my way.

I had been thinking about this for a while, pretty much since my 30th birthday. This birthday was going to usher in new phases of my life, new phases that I was excited for. One of them, I am sad to say, fell through. It was hard getting over that one, but what can you do. It wasn't meant to be. The other seems to be firm on track, yet now I don't know how much I'll be able to participate in it.

Life has changed a lot since my 30th birthday. It's only been two months since then, and still huge things have changed. I don't yet know how I'm going to deal with them. I don't know if there is anything I can do to avoid what seems to be happening, but I still don't know if I want them to happen.

Is it wrong of my that I don't want things to change in that way? Is it selfish of myself to think this way? Shouldn't I be happy that I'm going to be able to participate in this because of the love I feel? Instead, I feel trapped and confused.

I spent the majority of my day thinking about this change, and how much it's going to effect the other aspects of my life. Aspects that I still had hope experiencing and being a part of. It was a hard emotional day. No matter what I though, I kept going back to this trapped feeling. This really is the only way. Maybe it's me being over dramatic, maybe it's the realization that what I had planned for myself isn't going to pan out.

Shouldn't I be used to that, though? My life hasn't turned out the way I pictured when I was 18, so why should I be surprised when my life at 30 isn't how I expected it to be. I had pretty much already given up hope on one element, so should I really be upset that it's really not going to happen now?

So many questions that I don't know how to answer, questions that I'm afraid to answer and look deep down inside cause it makes me sick that I'm acting this way and that I have to change yet again.

I should follow my own advice and let my life fall into place as it's suppose to. I've lived my life this way for a long time, excepting that fact that I've made certain choices that have lead me to this point already, so should I be all that surprised at its out turn? No, I shouldn't. I've done things that I wish I could of done differently, lived a different life, so to speak, and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Was I kidding myself all along thinking that I was anything other than this role?

I don't know. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what the future holds. All I do know is that I'm having a hard time excepting what my life will become for the next few years. Damn. All it boils down to is being being selfish. Others have already chosen this route, and it's my turn to act adult and take on my responsibilities.
Grow up. I need to grow up.