I still don't know what to do with the situation I was talking about yesterday (with a few mistakes I might add...my bad), but things seem to be not as bad today as they were yesterday.
Okay, I take that back. Things are bad, but I can sort of see clearly now. (I'm sorry if you start singing and have an earworm, not my intention.)
What really has to happen is that I just need to let the chips fall where they're suppose to. I know I use that philosophy a lot in my life, and to some extent it works just fine (in others, up for debate). This, though, because there are so many people involved and so many lives that will be effected, I can't be the one to make the deciding decision.
I thought yesterday that I was going to be the grown-up and do what is thought to be my role, but now I don't know. I talked about me being selfish and not wanting this role, but in reality why should someone else get to be selfish over my life and dictate what I need to do. I'm the one who controls my life, I should be the one to make that decision.
As much as it makes me feel like I'm a selfish brat, I want to carry on with my life and my prospects as they are being presented to me. I am carving out a life for myself, one I've dreamed of for some time, and I don't think it's fair that I have to give it up just as it's working out. This may seem like the logical choice for some people, but it's not that easy in my world. The thing I was so willing to give up makes me so unbelievably happy, it's not fair that I have to consider leaving it. Isn't the one thing people want for you in your life is for you to be happy? If I leave this, I won't be happy. That will, in turn, effect others and how they feel and then that just messes with everything all over again. I can't do it. I can't do that to myself, and to others.
However, if keeping on track I'm affecting others as well. Or at least I feel that way. I don't know if others expect me to take this supposed role, though I have a feeling at least one person does. I could easily be thinking over dramatically. I have no idea what will happen in the future. I know what many of us think needs to happen, what makes sense all around. But, to be honest, even though it'll make things less stressful for me, I don't know if that's what I want to happen. I like the things I'm able to do, I like having this new exploration. However, is it worth all the stress that's trickling down through the masses?
I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know where things will go from here. At this point it's a major waiting game. Waiting for results and waiting for decisions to be made. I'm not alone in this, I have to keep reminding myself that. I can't be the one who takes on everything and makes all the decisions, I can't be. I personally am not strong enough to do it. I'm tired of being strong and the wall. I want to be taken care of, I want to be rescued. Where is my Angel/Spike/Mitchell when I need them?
Taking a day to think about anything is always the best thing to do, it's not always possible, but it's helpful. I can't tell you how many times I've written an email, sent it, and regretted it. I've also done the opposite, written something and sat on it, and then never send it out. Those are usually personal feelings toward someone, and when you sit and realize the actual effect they could cause on thing you have second thoughts.
I do think I think too much. I think too much on what the outcome of situations might be, and I'm scared to have the negative happen. I tend to not do something in fear of the negative, even though there is the slight chance of the positive happening. In my case, with certain thing, they never turn out right, so that's my biggest card against doing something. You could argue it's my biggest regret and the thing I constantly need to work on. That, however, is for another day.
I have friends that just do things without thinking, they think of something and do it. I'm not that ballsy. I do wish I was, and try to be, but in my own way. I try to get their energy to rub off on me, and I think I've succeeded in some aspects, but in others, it's still a battle. Thinking.
I think too much. I wish I didn't, it makes my mind go crazy! But I can't stop. I can't stop myself from thinking of different situations, real or imaginary, cause then I have nothing to do. I have to do something, and there is only so much you can look up on your phone without getting bored.
I'm thinking of throwing caution to the wind and running with an idea I have, even though I know what the outcome will be. Why you ask? Because I already know I'll fail, but it's more of the idea that I just went with it anyway. I'm sure that makes no sense, but it's what's been stewing in my brain. Okay, so there is a small, iota, of a part of me that thinks/hopes that there might be a slight positive thing that could come out of it. They say, when you have nothing left to lose just go for it.
No matter which way you look at it, in which situation I'm mysteriously talking about, I'm confused and have no idea what's going to happen next. I almost feel like I'm in the maze at the Tri-Wizard tournament. Let's just hope my cup isn't a portkey and I get transported to a place I really don't want to be.
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