The Difference a Day Makes

They always say to sleep on things and really think about things before you make any major decisions. I also tend to be very emotional and think emotionally before anything else. I'm an emotional person, and I lean towards being swayed by how I feel. I don't think this is a bad thing or something I need to work on. I've grown and matured to the point where I think emotionally but with my head (it makes sense to me) so I'm not as crazy as I once was.

I still don't know what to do with the situation I was talking about yesterday (with a few mistakes I might add...my bad), but things seem to be not as bad today as they were yesterday.

Okay, I take that back. Things are bad, but I can sort of see clearly now. (I'm sorry if you start singing and have an earworm, not my intention.)

What really has to happen is that I just need to let the chips fall where they're suppose to. I know I use that philosophy a lot in my life, and to some extent it works just fine (in others, up for debate). This, though, because there are so many people involved and so many lives that will be effected, I can't be the one to make the deciding decision.

I thought yesterday that I was going to be the grown-up and do what is thought to be my role, but now I don't know. I talked about me being selfish and not wanting this role, but in reality why should someone else get to be selfish over my life and dictate what I need to do. I'm the one who controls my life, I should be the one to make that decision.

As much as it makes me feel like I'm a selfish brat, I want to carry on with my life and my prospects as they are being presented to me. I am carving out a life for myself, one I've dreamed of for some time, and I don't think it's fair that I have to give it up just as it's working out. This may seem like the logical choice for some people, but it's not that easy in my world. The thing I was so willing to give up makes me so unbelievably happy, it's not fair that I have to consider leaving it. Isn't the one thing people want for you in your life is for you to be happy? If I leave this, I won't be happy. That will, in turn, effect others and how they feel and then that just messes with everything all over again. I can't do it. I can't do that to myself, and to others.

However, if keeping on track I'm affecting others as well. Or at least I feel that way. I don't know if others expect me to take this supposed role, though I have a feeling at least one person does. I could easily be thinking over dramatically. I have no idea what will happen in the future. I know what many of us think needs to happen, what makes sense all around. But, to be honest, even though it'll make things less stressful for me, I don't know if that's what I want to happen. I like the things I'm able to do, I like having this new exploration. However, is it worth all the stress that's trickling down through the masses?

I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen, I don't know where things will go from here. At this point it's a major waiting game. Waiting for results and waiting for decisions to be made. I'm not alone in this, I have to keep reminding myself that. I can't be the one who takes on everything and makes all the decisions, I can't be. I personally am not strong enough to do it. I'm tired of being strong and the wall. I want to be taken care of, I want to be rescued. Where is my Angel/Spike/Mitchell when I need them?

Taking a day to think about anything is always the best thing to do, it's not always possible, but it's helpful. I can't tell you how many times I've written an email, sent it, and regretted it. I've also done the opposite, written something and sat on it, and then never send it out. Those are usually personal feelings toward someone, and when you sit and realize the actual effect they could cause on thing you have second thoughts.

I do think I think too much. I think too much on what the outcome of situations might be, and I'm scared to have the negative happen. I tend to not do something in fear of the negative, even though there is the slight chance of the positive happening. In my case, with certain thing, they never turn out right, so that's my biggest card against doing something. You could argue it's my biggest regret and the thing I constantly need to work on. That, however, is for another day.

I have friends that just do things without thinking, they think of something and do it. I'm not that ballsy. I do wish I was, and try to be, but in my own way. I try to get their energy to rub off on me, and I think I've succeeded in some aspects, but in others, it's still a battle. Thinking.

I think too much. I wish I didn't, it makes my mind go crazy! But I can't stop. I can't stop myself from thinking of different situations, real or imaginary, cause then I have nothing to do. I have to do something, and there is only so much you can look up on your phone without getting bored.

I'm thinking of throwing caution to the wind and running with an idea I have, even though I know what the outcome will be. Why you ask? Because I already know I'll fail, but it's more of the idea that I just went with it anyway. I'm sure that makes no sense, but it's what's been stewing in my brain. Okay, so there is a small, iota, of a part of me that thinks/hopes that there might be a slight positive thing that could come out of it. They say, when you have nothing left to lose just go for it.

No matter which way you look at it, in which situation I'm mysteriously talking about, I'm confused and have no idea what's going to happen next. I almost feel like I'm in the maze at the Tri-Wizard tournament. Let's just hope my cup isn't a portkey and I get transported to a place I really don't want to be.

Changes

There are many forms of change. You can change our hair, you can rearrange rooms, you can even change jobs or situations. Some, obviously, are bigger than others. No matter what type of change, it effects all areas of your life, to some extent.

I tend to deal with life changes with smaller changes as well. I usually do my hair different each time I go to the salon, and I also rearrange my room. I rearranged my room last night (in record time I might add) to help with the changes that are coming my way.

I had been thinking about this for a while, pretty much since my 30th birthday. This birthday was going to usher in new phases of my life, new phases that I was excited for. One of them, I am sad to say, fell through. It was hard getting over that one, but what can you do. It wasn't meant to be. The other seems to be firm on track, yet now I don't know how much I'll be able to participate in it.

Life has changed a lot since my 30th birthday. It's only been two months since then, and still huge things have changed. I don't yet know how I'm going to deal with them. I don't know if there is anything I can do to avoid what seems to be happening, but I still don't know if I want them to happen.

Is it wrong of my that I don't want things to change in that way? Is it selfish of myself to think this way? Shouldn't I be happy that I'm going to be able to participate in this because of the love I feel? Instead, I feel trapped and confused.

I spent the majority of my day thinking about this change, and how much it's going to effect the other aspects of my life. Aspects that I still had hope experiencing and being a part of. It was a hard emotional day. No matter what I though, I kept going back to this trapped feeling. This really is the only way. Maybe it's me being over dramatic, maybe it's the realization that what I had planned for myself isn't going to pan out.

Shouldn't I be used to that, though? My life hasn't turned out the way I pictured when I was 18, so why should I be surprised when my life at 30 isn't how I expected it to be. I had pretty much already given up hope on one element, so should I really be upset that it's really not going to happen now?

So many questions that I don't know how to answer, questions that I'm afraid to answer and look deep down inside cause it makes me sick that I'm acting this way and that I have to change yet again.

I should follow my own advice and let my life fall into place as it's suppose to. I've lived my life this way for a long time, excepting that fact that I've made certain choices that have lead me to this point already, so should I be all that surprised at its out turn? No, I shouldn't. I've done things that I wish I could of done differently, lived a different life, so to speak, and I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Was I kidding myself all along thinking that I was anything other than this role?

I don't know. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know what the future holds. All I do know is that I'm having a hard time excepting what my life will become for the next few years. Damn. All it boils down to is being being selfish. Others have already chosen this route, and it's my turn to act adult and take on my responsibilities.
Grow up. I need to grow up.

SXSW 2 Oceans 11

I had an amazing time at this years SXSW. I usually do, it's an excuse for my friends and I to go downtown and have a good time, and I'm also on Spring Break from work so it's super awesome. By the end of it, each year, I'm ready for my city to come back to normal and for the hoards of people to leave. Maybe it's the snob in me, maybe it's because we are over-run with people who think they are more important than they are, either way a week is long enough for SXSW. This year a week was just the perfect length of time. I was out every night, the whole 10 days, doing stuff. Not only of it was 'work' related, true, but I was still doing stuff.

As mentioned in a previous post, we were going to get badges. This, however, did not work out. It was incredibly nice of our contact to help us out, but there was miscommunication and the badges ended up falling through. I was a bit bummed, I wasn't going to be able to see any of my comedians and podcast taping that I had hoped to see. Other than that though, we were able to do what we needed to do and had a great time doing it, so it didn't end up being a big deal.

We interviewed several people from each industry area: film, music, interactive. I met some amazing people, not only did I make great contacts with, but whom I also became friends with. Went to some great parties, saw some great movies/music, and also got to spend some time with those near and dear to my heart. It was a new experience for me since I was doing interviews and working and also making contacts, and it couldn't of been a better experience.

Things like that have happened a lot in the last year. I've randomly met some great people through unlikely connections, and they not only have turned out to be friends but they have also turned out to be a great industry contact and whom I work well with. It's the greatest feeling when you randomly make a connection and realize this is exactly what you're looking for. Makes you really believe that things happen for a reason, when they are suppose to happen.

Anyways, back to the things I enjoyed, which you can now direct your attention to the movies and music pages of this blog to find out a little more on each of these areas. I didn't get a chance to do as much as I wanted to do, especially with Day Shows, but I still walked away with some awesome material.

Next year we plan to blow it up in our own way and have our own SXSW showcase. Why shouldn't we? Between all the new connections and current workers we make a pretty well rounded group. I look forward to not only showcasing my/our talent, but to experience the fun of SXSW.

If I'm a writer, I need to write

I love to write. I love making up stories and characters and submerging into this new world. I love the process of writing ideas in my head down "on paper" and seeing something come to life. I kind of even love the physical activity of writing, be it on paper or on the computer. I do think of writing and scripts and stories all the time, at least multiple times a day if I don't wake up thinking about it. I'm a writer.

Then, blood hell, I need to write.

There are so many excuses that I come up with for why I am neglecting my talent and love. Anything from catching up on television programs, to visiting with family, to my social life, to listening to podcasts, to just being lazy. I started this blog to have an outlet to write and get back in the mindset so I can tackle my script(s) head on and knock them out. I have failed.

After SXSW (which was amazing!) I decided to change this, yet once again, I've failed to fulfill the idea in my head. I'm determined to change that and finally take my resolutions by the horns and actually write. So, here it is. I vow to write at least two posts a day. One main one, and the other on one of the various pages I have set up. I also need to really focus on my script, which I really do love and really want to bring to life. That, however, is another subject all together.

I'm not even sure if anyone reads this. Okay, I take that back. I do know of at least one person, and amazing lady, that does read this (Thanks!) and I want to make sure I have new content for her as well. It helps my laziness if I know there are people who are waiting to know what's in my brain. Wow, that was a bit conceded, I'm sorry.

So, yeah. Two posts a day. I hope I can continue with this trend for a while and that I really kick up on my writing profession. What is that saying, if you want to be someone, call yourself that profession and you are one? I totally butchered that. Example, if you want to be writer, start calling yourself a writer. Well, I got that part down...I just need to start writing.

Pitter patter goes my geek heart.

I think this is like the 5th time I've used geek heart in a social medium. (Someone is of the techie age.) Honestly, though, it's the perfect way to describe what I'm feeling. It's common place to thoroughly think about something before you write it, but I can't do that tonight. Geek Heart is too excited.

The night, no afternoon, started off with hearing from my boss that she could get me on the VIP list for the official Paul party, and wanted to see if I was interested. I actually had to think about it; in the sense that I would be spending less time visiting with my dad if I did. Even he was excited for me to go, and pretty much ushered me along. So, I ended up on the list, with my friend and sister-in-law's sister-in-law in tow. This slight hesitation seems completely out of character. Does this mean I'm going up? Ugh, I'd rather not think about it. What matters is I had a great day with my dad, and a great night out.

At the party we tried to do a little press, but they didn't let any photo gear into the part. That party was a Fail, but the win was just around the corner with our entrance into the venue. We enjoyed ourselves and have a good time. Some business was taken care of, as you do at SXSW, and also running into random friends, as you do when out and about, and the party was a blast.

After the several hours of just pure entertainment, the crew realized that we had a big day tomorrow, we all decided to head home. I tried to see if I could meet up with my sister-in-law who left about 30 minutes earlier to try to get into the premiere of the film. I ended up meeting her at the Paramount, and being able to GET INTO THE FILM.

Okay, side note. Yes, I did stay around the party, in which none of the cast was there, instead of going to see some of my favorite people in 3-D. Hey, though...there were some very famous directors at the party, that I didn't go and talk to. I know. It's confusing. I am such a fan, such a nerd, that I'm afraid of being a lame idiot when I meet these people and I end up not approaching them. They get approached so many times by so many people, I don't want to fall into the "You're the thousandth person today to ask me that" category. I have a question that I want to ask Simon Pegg, one that I think would spark a conversation. One in which we'll talk all night... A girl can dream.

Back to the story.

We were rushing to our seats, in the nose bleed section (totally don't care) and miss the intro by our boys, but were able to sit down right as the movie started. Perfect timing.

OMG. Paul is awesome! Such a funny movie! There were so many references to alien films (that I got) and were brilliantly done, that it's hard not to love it. If you love these guys, period, you'd love the film. Just so much fun. The cameos are perfect and they each add their own comic timing that helps the movie along. It's realistic and fantastical, a perfect blend if you're really on the run from the government with an alien hitchhiker in the seat next to you. I mean, that always happens, right? If it does, I don't want to know. Aliens still freak me out, unless they are voiced by Seth Rogen.

I could go on and on about the film, but this isn't a review, and you need to see it. All that matters are these few things: Simon Pegg, Nick Frost. Okay, Kristin Wiig, Jason Bateman, Bill Hader, Jane Lynch and many more are in it too, with Greg "Undeclared" Mottola directing it.

They did a Q&A after the film with Pegg, Frost, Mottola, and Wiig. The second best panel I've ever seen. You can sense that Frost and Pegg really are best mates, and its makes everything that much more awesome. They were funny and entertaining, but didn't seem like they had to put on a show. They are just genuinely funny individuals. If we were in the same room, you could see the glow of happiness seep through my face.

Even after this amazing evening, I do have to say we left just a little bit bummed. Frost or Pegg, or anyone other cast members, did not make an appearance at the party. That's okay, though. I'll just save my uber nerd question for another day.

SXSW 2011

I was all set to rock the free shows and parties and stick it to the man who thinks they can turn my laid back Austin into a pretentious wasteland. Then I got a badge through work.

I promise not to be a douche-badger, and I won't look down on those who don't have badges. S**t, I'm even lucky to have one (thanks wonderful boss lady of mine), and I'm the only one in my group, including family that's coming up for the music portion, to have a badge. I still plan on taking full advantage of the free shows and experiencing the beauty of Austin.

I also can't lie, I'm really excited about having a badge. One of my bffs is coming into town and it's exciting to know that I will actually get to go with him to a show and spend time with him (not that we won't meet up anyway outside shows). It's also exciting thinking that I might actually be able to see some of my favorite comedians.

However, it won't be as fun doing all of this by myself. Minus the bff, of course.

The badge was received for a reason, and I will be working during the week. I will help my boss and another co-worker interview multiple people who have influenced the Latin community in their respected jobs/industry.

As you know, the Latin community is rapidly growing and there are more things being targeted to them, not to mention the shift from traditional lifestyle to a modern living.

Being a Latin myself, and a writer who have all her characters as Latino, I'm looking forward to interviewing and meeting the people who have paved the way, forged ahead, in this ever changing society.

I'm sure we'll also cover fitness and martial arts, since those are equally important in our line of work, so the week should be filled with many new adventures.

(And it's going to be really cool if I can get into some of the podcast tapings.)

Keep an eye out for updates, hopefully during but most likely after, for events to keep eye out for. And if you're really interested, you can follow me on Twitter at: @lmmskipper